There are many virtues that the powerful and mighty encompass. Some have charisma. Some have bravery. Some have compassion. But very so often, you find people who encompass the greatest of all possible attributes: Bastardry.

Welcome to my first ever article on this oft-overlooked virtue. Now, enjoy, “Profiles in Bastardry.”

Profiles in Bastardry: Missouri
Michael J. Fox vs. Rush Limbaugh, or, ‘How dare you play with people’s emotions. Now here’s Jesus.’

Claire McCaskill and Jim Talent are in a dead heat in the senate race in Missouri. Claire has slowly been clawing her way up, making this race the quintessential ‘photo finish’ of all races. Jim Talent is an American hero, a tweedy looking little nerd who beat a widow in a special election. So this election should be a cakewalk for him, given Missouri’s past.

But things change. One of the four pegs that hold the whole right-wing circus inside it’s blood-red tent is the righteous indignation it has toward procreation rights and stem cell research. Because every human life is precious (unless it is impoverished, then fuck it). Never mind that Jenna Bush has probably eight times as many abortions than Chelsea Clinton. It’s bad. And so is making it productive.

Being a pro-lifer, I don’t care for abortion. I quite honestly think it’s a rather barbaric and murderous act. But I also am not a fifteen year old pregnant girl, so what the fuck do I know? So I figure, if it’s going to happen, the unborn might as well work to the benefit of human kind (and wouldn’t Jesus take them in, anyway? No sin, right?) . So I am a pro-life guy who supports stem-cell research. I also support financial aid to impoverished children. And an education system that keeps children from ending up with no other options than to go kill brown people. So I go for the closest thing this country has to a pro-life party, and cast my votes there, with the Democrats.

Anyway, there’s a very real human side to stem cell research. Michael J. Fox, who has made ads for Republican Arlen Specter (more on this later) and other candidates who support stem sell research, decided to help Claire McCaskill with an ad that featured the very real effects of the medication that is used to combat the disease.

Damn him!

Luckily, impotent, corpulent, deaf drug addict Rush Limbaugh was there to teach this terminally ill man, who was obviously a secular gun-hating fag from Hollywood, who was boss.

Oh Rush’s radio show, he made this statement regarding Fox: “He is moving all around, and shaking, and it’s purely an act.” (Accompanied by, among other things, a video of Rush Limbaugh shaking and moving all around. And jiggling, because he’s a tubby porker).
Now, Rush Limbaugh is no Bill Frist. He has no history of being able to diagnose somebody from miles away. Rush’s position went from ‘purely an act’ to him ‘not taking his medication’ to him ‘overmedicating himself’ (as Limbaugh is known to do from time to time).

Michael Fox responded with class. He simply said that it’s not easy for somebody who doesn’t have the disease to really assess it. Which is much nicer than saying, ‘screw you, you fat, pill-popping loser.’ Limbaugh offered several non-apologies. So how would Republicans bounce back from their former war horse attacking a terminally ill man for showing symptoms of the disease stem cell research could combat?

By pimping Jesus, duh.

In a campaign commercial in Missouri, the bad actor who badly played Jesus in a bad movie joins some guys who play children’s games for a living and the cunt from Everybody Loves Raymond to decry stem cell research (making points like, ‘it will take fifteen years for results,’ so as John Stewart put it, why start?). The breadth in which the makers of the ad miss the message of Fox’s ad is amazing. Fox was not used because he is a celebrity. He was used because he is who stem cell research might help.

Okay, so throwing Jim Caviezel and other douchebags in there to combat him shows that they don’t understand that basic principle. Then the committee behind the ad do something they often complain that Democrats do: us an unassailable figure to push their agenda. In this case, the same one they’ve been using for years: Jesus fucking Christ.

Jim Caviezel spouts out some Aramaic from Mel Gibson’s snuff film, to remind you that he played Jesus, and that Jesus would approve of what he’s saying. Something that shameless actually makes me want to watch the movie, so I can see this man beaten to a pulp. Caviezel knows who paid to see him die so many times, he knows where his bread is buttered. As he sings for his supper, hoping that he’s not relegated to golf movies after the success of said snuff film, he calls for Christians to ensure the slow, agonizing death of people like Michael J. Fox, not just for the next fifteen years, but forever.

Also, is it just me, or should a bunch of fruits who stick steroid needles in their asses to help them play a game not be taken seriously when they start to talk about the merits of medical research?

Profiles in Bastardry: Tennessee
Corker vs. Ford, or, ‘It’s me or the nigger, Tennessee!’

You know, the south doesn’t have a lot to be proud about. Anyone who’s grown up in the south knows there’s not a lot to do here. You can either stand around and sweat, or possibly go visit an elderly woman relative who has more ceramic Jesus figurines than teeth. Needless to say, the south is an unpleasant place, made worse by its unpleasant tendencies (most Civil War reenactors come from the South).

One unfortunate tendency, which has predominated the South since it’s inception and continues, ever so quietly, today, is its deep animosity toward African Americans. Which, to me, makes about as much sense as a man in tight shoes being angry at his shoehorn. Sure, the shoehorn may be somewhat responsible for the man’s dire straights. But he must remember that he picked up the shoehorn (black people) from it’s drawer (read, Africa) to help force his foot (the south) into his undersized shoe (read: an agrarian economy driven by free, torture-induced labor). Now he has to deal with the long-term consequences of his choice. Damn that shoehorn for being used!

Which brings me to Harold Ford, who is running for senate. He’s single, handsome, young, and black, with a cool-sounding name. In short, he’s everything the man he’s replacing, Bill Frist, is not. He’s running in Tennessee. Ever heard of Tennessee?

Tennessee is famous for many things, and not just how horrible it is there. No, there are places like Nashville, where circus-bear killing country acts like Montgomery Gentry are born. There are also places like the Grand Old Opry (note the gross misspelling of the last word; a sad reminder of the health of public education in the Volunteer state). It is also famous for (note to editor: insert something interesting about Tennessee here, I haven’t been able to find anything else).

But with all it has going for it, Tennessee could break the mold in another way, a way that requires no steel guitars or washboards. It could be the first state in the south to elect a black senator. Imagine the progressive symbolism of thousands of Tennessee farmers, taking a break from molesting their daughters to go vote in the first black man ever, in the south, to become a senator since the situation became possible roughly 130 years ago.

He’s running against Bob Corker, who would be roughly the 1,453 honky bastard from the south to hold a senate seat (though, to be fair, that number includes those from before as well as after 1865).

So how would a run-of-the-mill schmo like Corker stand up to Ford? Would it be by showing signs of some great initiative that would finally bring Tennessee into the seventeenth century? Would it be by making a promise to improve the lives of the downtrodden and wanting? Would it be by setting a plan in motion to strengthen the state, and make it a glorious paradise on earth? Would any of these options be what Republicans in Tennessee would use to rile up the masses?

Almost. But instead they called Ford a nigger.

Not literally, of course. You can’t call somebody a nigger in politics anymore (calling them a macaca is fine until Virginia says different). But there are other ways.

Ford does have a few little quirks that sexless conservatives might feel like harping upon. He’s been to a “Playboy Party” (or, as read by the swaths of Amy Grant fans that make up Bill Frist’s old supporters, something that sounded suspiciously like a sexually gratifying orgy). Perhaps going to a party of this sort isn’t entirely seemly, but any single man would relish the chance to rub elbows in the company of beautiful women (save for Mark Foley, who would prefer masturbating boys).

Okay, fair enough. So Ford is human and wants to have sex with beautiful women. Big deal. I can see them doing an ad about that. So what you get is this: after B-list actors rattle off charges about Tennessee values (while saying nothing about fucking your cousin) and how Ford has abandoned them. Then this:

A ditzy, semi-nude white woman winking at the camera and asking Ford to call her.

Never mind that it was sleazy, and the production quality was solidly bush-league. The subtext was pretty obvious: a vote for Harold Ford was a vote for miscegnenation. Ford, a blacky Mcblackerson, was threatening to go canoodling with the white virgin flower of Tennessee, as he had at the ‘Playboy party.’

Of course, the boob Republican had no idea the ad was going to come out, and when the negative backlash started, ‘pleaded’ for the ad to be pulled. It kind of wasn’t. But luckily, another ad was ready; this one showed images of Ford backed up by the beating of tribal drums.

So not only might Ford deflower the virtuous white women of Tennessee, he might also eat them or sacrifice them to his voodoo gods. Please. Well, it’s lucky for us that people in Tennessee are too smart to be swayed by such tactics.

Corker’s lead over Ford is growing.

Fuck Tennessee.

Profiles in Bastardry: Virginia
‘Welcome to America!’

Okay. Not a lot to say here.

George Allen is running for reelection, with eyes on the presidency. All while brazenly using a racial slur on a man who was born in Virginia (unlike Allen himself, who was born in California). He’s also praised the Confederacy, and has been noted for dropping racial slurs around his friends. He’s also trailing in the most recent Virginia polls.

Maybe he should run in Tennessee.

Profiles in Bastardry: Florida
The proverbial fox in the henhouse, who asked eggs how they jerked off and then bought them dinner.

Mark Foley. Is there anything really left to say? You could almost feel sorry for the guy. Then you remember that he was quite vocal in his defense of children against online predators, like chairing a committee on it in a very visible way, and you realize he was as full of shit as the rest of them.
So you just prop your feet up and watch him burn, and fully enjoy yourself.

Plus!
Bonus Observation: ‘Jesus wants you to vote for me, now check out my tits.’

Katherine Harris. A living punch line to the least funny joke of all time. The woman who may be indirectly responsible for the deaths of at least 6,000 Americans. She wants to be a senator from Florida. And she says she’s going to win. Never mind she’s down in the polls by somewhere around the area of twenty points. She knows how to steal an election. God, does she ever know.

Katherine knows other things, too. Like standing sideways during an interview to show off her boobs.

But beyond that, she also believes that separation of church and state is a fallacy. Great, Katie. Go to the churches and tell them to make out a check for two hundred and thirty years of back taxes.

Now, I know what you’re saying. What about the boobs again? Well, I say get a life.
Just kidding. Here’s more of Katherine McJesus being classy.

Alright, well, it’s five days until the election. Have fun.

The cost of being alive.

For those of you who don’t already know, I’m a 22 year old professional, finding my way in the working world in England. From the second I completed my exams at High School I was into my first job instantly, no way would my proud mother allow her youngest to wallow after completing 5 gruelling years of High School education, nope I was off to fend for myself.

Before I get to my point, please allow me to give you a little background information on my life. I grew up with primarily one parent. My mother and father separated when I was very young, and my father sadly passed away when I was 10 years old. My mother did a great job raising 3 kids (me being the youngest) and put her life on hold to give us everything we needed and wanted. I always wanted to take the pressure off my mother and provide for myself when I left school so going to work was never a problem, infact it has taught me the value of money, something that I think alot of my friends who still leech money from their parents may never understand, so I’ve learnt important lessons early in life. However I have also learnt just how hard it is to live these days.

Back to the present, I’ve now been working for 6 years full time but I have little to show for it. I “rent” a home, I have no car and cannot drive, I do not have the disposable income to live an active social life and have therefore drifted away from many of the friends I hold dear to me. In England you are taxed for pretty much everything apart from the air you breathe, and it’s becoming intolerable. So in this financial blight I now find myself immersed in, I took it upon myself to find a better paid job. I left my job as Web Operations Co-ordinator at Odeon Cinemas to work for a locally based Computer Hardware retailer, one of the biggest in the UK. They offered me good money and the prospects looked good so I jumped at the chance, but sadly things don’t always work out as you intend them to. The company I began to work for were extremely ill managed and highly unprofessional and terrible under-belly of racial and sexiest hatred was apparent and I simply couldn’t work in that atmosphere and resigned after 3 weeks.

That now leaves me out of work, with shit loads of bills to pay and no one to support me. Fortunately I am reasonably experienced enough to find another job but for the moment I am in the abyss! My point is that it seems we are born to provide the fatcats of our governments with more money. Despite the fact that I’ve worked my ass off for 6 years I have fuck all to show for it, and now I have to break into my savings to survive my hopefully temporary unemployment. The cost of living just went up folks, if you want to live these days you have to pay for it. They say it’s for law enforcement (that you never fucking see), health services (that you’ll never fucking use) but really it’s to line the pockets of those that govern our lives and to fund their wars across the globe.

I want to live, but I’m not sure I can afford to anymore.

L. Brent Bozell III. Perhaps you’ve heard the name? At one point, this red-haired, bow-tie wearing fella was riding high in his assaults against the WWF (Not the World Wildlife fund, although there’s a good chance he’s against that too), garnering a lot of attention for decrying the sexual content and language of the show. He’s bitched like none other, filing 99.8% of all complaints to the FCC. Luckily for us, this loud-mouth has kept his gestapo-esque opinions to himself, and kept his hyper-religious reindeer games to himself.

Oh, if only that were so.

During (and after) the 2004 elections, Bozell dove into the mix, endorsing Bush and “exposing” “liberal” “slants” in the “media”. But going back… in 2000, he slammed McCaine, the more “moderate” Republican, endorsing the take-no-prisoners, “My way or go fuck yourself” Bush Cheney ticket. Well, good for him. Angry white bloggers just don’t get the job done sometimes. Bozell’s bitching helped boost his own popularity, and who knows… maybe got his column in a few more papers. But look out! Bozell’s breaking all the rules… even his own!

“Notice how PBS would rather not have “this kind of debate,” a debate about bias. They just want their billions from the government, and save the bias debate for someone who gives a damn.”

DAMN! DAMN! BOZELL SAID DAMN! CALL THE PARENTS! CALL THE WATCHDOGS! GOOD GOD!

Not only that, but consider this exchange between him and Paul Waldman (Editor of the Gadflyer http://gadflyer.com/articles/?ArticleID=189).

WALDMAN: He didn’t accuse any individuals of anything.

BOZELL: You’re a liar!

WALDMAN: He never accused those guys of anything.

BOZELL: John Kerry is a liar, and you’re a liar!

WALDMAN: What are you talking about?

BOZELL: Fuck you!

Heavens! Well, thank god no cameras were on you, Brent. Then again, I guess hypocrisy really isn’t that big a problem for you. Just titties and cuss words.

Really now… do we seriously require yet another stuff-shirt, unfunny, dickless conservative douche who spends his time (the time most people devote to either work, having sex, or watching one of these shows Bozell hates) trying to tell us what we can and cannot do? One was enough, but we’ve had dozens this century.

Bozell is a bland, boring addition to the Conservative movement; not as attractive as the Bush twins, not as articulate as Zell Miller, not as well endowed as Anne Coulter. But he’s a noisy bland, boring addition, endlessly droning his message of bland, un-fun entertainment, liberal-bashing, and various other repetitive crap we’ve all heard a hundred times before. Bozell has led a coalition to destroy PBS for it’s political bias (ie, tolerance to all people), yet has left Fox News unscathed. Why is this?

Well, Bozell is a pedigreed socialite, rich and fiercely religious (at least for the cameras) figurehead of the PTC, and columnist for the Media Research Center (a very official sounding name for several megabytes of conservative horseshit-Bozell likes that word too). He has five children, which is sad for Brent, because this means that his wife is probably cheating on him. That is, of course, unless he’s somehow found the ability to have sex without a penis.

But I digress, to a topic that people might actually want me to prove (unless some wierd soul wants to see Bozell without pants): that Brent Bozell III is a radical, condescending fascist with no respect for anyone else, be they supporters or detractors.

Go here: http://www.parentstv.org/

Note at the top of the page: The Top 10 Best and Worst shows for YOUR Family. Because we all know every family is alike, and that they’ll love shows about, oh… wholesome white families. Except for that black family he tacked on at the end… you know, where the father figure makes fun of one of the children for being a possible homosexual. But this is okay… Bozell manages one minority family amid his boring wholesome family show collections, last year he gave some airtime to the Mexicans in the form of George Lopez. Look it up!

Speaking of which, scroll down a little more. Bozell takes it to the fags by attacking Will and Grace. Despite the fact that the banter is tame compared to a lot of other sitcoms that have come and gone (where the hell is the Simple Life on these lists?), this show has maintained a place on the list since it began. Bozell can beat around the bush all he wants, but his columns at the Media Research Center show that the man has a serious issue with homosexuals. Which is usually a defense mechanism for men with serious sexual repression issues. My guess is that either Bozell was called gay while growing up (How could that happen?*) or knows how precarious his position is, and can’t admit to it, or that he hates seeing potential heterosexual penises being used in this fashion. Borne of penis envy, perhaps.

Bozell, despite his strange “Salem 1600s” style of tolerance, states in a column…

“I was preparing for a recent interview on a national newscast the other night when the reporter asked me off-air if it was correct to label the Parents Television Council, which I founded and head, a “conservative” group. Next he asked: With which religious movement was the PTC affiliated? When I answered No and None, he seemed genuinely perplexed…
…my personal ideological perspective on things political is no secret, and it is to be expected that the connection would be made.”

NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK. A man who wastes money he could be donating to the poor (which is an idea I think might have been in the Bible at some point) doing things like this…

http://www.mrc.org/notablequotables/dishonor/03/photos2.asp

…just might have a conservative bias. How much did it cost to get Charlie Daniels to play at your bitch-fest? Didn’t he have some biscuits and gravy to eat somewhere? To all those chic young male Republicans: Keep in mind that when you grow up, your life of personal repression and closemindedness will leave you either a douche in a bow tie with a bad haircut, or a morbidly obese old man with a fiddle. Either way, you probably won’t be able to see your dick.

I tend to treat religion, sexuality and politics the same way: learn to express your opinions in a meaningful manner, and give respect where respect is due. Which, I figure, is a lot better than becoming a media terrorist with delusions of destroying the institution of free speech and instilling Radical Christian Doctrine on a nation that was built on the institutions of Freedom and Liberty (hey, using those concepts to make a point is fun!). It’s not up to the networks to raise children. And it sure as hell isn’t up to Brent Bozell. The sooner he realizes that some people are smart enough to make their own decisions and have the discipline to keep pasty douchebags like himself out of their family member’s lives, the better. So Bozell, do us all a favor. Shut your fucking mouth and get a real job.

* Here’s an idea: http://www.mrc.org/stillshots/2003/dishonor/event/Bozell_podium.jpg

I just want my country back…

Today we live in a society that is more generous than it’s ever been in history. How many world leaders pre 20th Century would give millions in aid to developing and impoverished states? I doubt many would have given a damn. Today’s world leaders are about peace and equality (well, most of the time) rather than looking for a country with it’s pants down to invade.

However, are our own countries themselves suffering greatly for our own generosity? Alot of people in Britain believe so. Since the decadent era of the pre 1970’s British society perhaps looked down upon helping others, especially of other race or creed. Yes, even the land of hope and glory can hang it’s head in shame for how it looked upon the black and Asian community during this time. Now it would seem that things are heading to the other extreme. Taxes are higher than ever and the British Government whilst spending money on peacekeeping in Iraq for instance, we also spend billions on benefits for people who have entered the country either by Asylum or illegal means.

The Labour party who are currently in control of the British government under Tony Blair are keen to enter the European Union constitution (EU). This would mean Britain having tax rates, human rights and other legislation dictated by other European politicians. Our country would not be our own. That is the general consensus in Britain at the moment, that our Government welcome people from other shores with open arms, spend tax payers money to sustain them and leave Britons short-changed.

I’m sure this scenario is played out in other nations such as the USA and everyone is affected by it. Yes, we should support other nations in poverty, yes we should protect those being persecuted across the world by inhumane dictatorships, but at what cost?

Personally I would like to see our leaders get it right at home before trying to play fairy god-mother for other nations, and it hurts to see foreigners who contribute nothing to my nation enter our lands at a whim, who leech upon the resources available to immigrants and bad-mouth Britain behind closed doors. Certain groups of Islamics even managed to have Christmas carols/trees banned in some towns as they felt it offended their religion! GET THE FUCK OUT! Britain is a Christian nation, you are welcome to your religion but for fucks sake I’ll be damned if any believer of Islam puts a stop to our religion on our own shores!

I’m not naive enough to believe that all foreigners are bad and shouldn’t be here. If you have skills that we are short of you are welcome, if you are willing to live under and embrace a British way of live you are welcome. If you are here just because you married some desperate housewife, GET THE FUCK OUT, if you are here because we give too much money to immigrants GET THE FUCK OUT.

I just want my country back

You may have noticed something on your daily walks. Or drives. Whatever, you know what I’m talking about. You may have noticed there’s a sudden influx-yeah, that’s right, influx-of people saying “Happy Holidays!” instead of “Merry Christmas!” Everywhere you look-”Happy Holidays!” Now, right-wingers, who as we all know, never scream or complain about anything that doesn’t matter, have begun taking offense to this. The popular story is that liberals are trying to take the “Christ” out of Christmas.

What can I say? You got us.

We’ve been doing it for a while. Just wait until you see what we’ve got planned for Easter. And Palm Sunday? Free Foam Hands. Yep, we’re gonna de-Jesusfy this whole nation, starting with Christmas. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Democracy’s a bitch, ain’t it? If only England had won the Revolutionary war, we’d still be under divine mandate (i.e., what Righties want) and everything would be okay, because you could do whatever you wanted in the name of Jesus. Well too bad, suckers!

Now, the question that must be asked is, “why on earth are liberals trying to de-Jesus Christmas?” Well, I’m here to offer a few ideas on the subject.

1. Political correctness. Yeah, you heard me. It’s not politically correct to push one holiday over the others. Chaunnukah (spelling? wrong), Ramadan, and god help us, Kwanzaa (those crazy negroes!) all fall around this time of the year. Not to mention the non-secular New Years and Thanksgiving (and boxing day, if you’re Canadian). By just saying “Happy Holidays”, imagine all the money and time you spend on signs! Not only is it politically correct, I daresay it’s fiscally responsible!

2. A Tradeoff. Yeah. Remember that thing that happened a month and a half ago where a bunch of religious crazies voted to ban gay marriage and re-elected The Idiot Who Shall not be Named? Well, it’s payback time. We don’t get our gay marriage, you don’t get your Jesusy Christmas. Now everybody’s pissed off and nobody’s happy. Except me, because I’m a sadist.

3. Because Jesus would have wanted it that way! Think about it, folks! Jesus was a humble guy. Does he really want everybody going nuts on his birthday, when there’s a perfectly fine, obese fake man that could get some of the attention? I know nobody celebrates my birthday that much (February 27, have gifts ready). I’ll tell you one thing: give me Jesus’s powers, and I promise you a lot better than loaves and fishes. Imagine this: all the hotpockets you could want. And no water into wine. Nobody’s going to get laid drinking wine. Let’s try water into Jack! Now we’re cookin’ with gas!

4. Because it helps the environment. Okay, that one I just made up.

5. Because we just want to piss off Conservatives. Let’s face it, you guys deserve it. You took the snow owls out of our forests? Well eat a hot dose of commercialism and nondescript greetings! Yeah, you heard me! No Jesus at Christmastime! Go watch some lame Christian movie like “The Passion of the Christ” or “Christmas with the Kranks”* or something.

6. It doesn’t matter. A greeting is a greeting, and if you need this much Jesus, just go blow your brains out with one of those numerous hunting rifles you own and see him personally.

Anyway, Merry Mas everybody! May all God’s/Yahweh’s/Buddah’s/Allah’s/Aton’s/Satan’s/Kali’s/Shiva’s/Vishnu’s/Bruce Cambell’s/Nobody’s blessings be upon you!

*Actual fact: due to a positive vote from the 700 Club, “Christmas with the Cranks” is a minor hit. Proving that no matter how crappy something is, if you slap something Jesusy on it, Christians will chow down like dingos in a maternity ward.

Okay, look. For my entire life, I felt like I was one of you. Like I was in line with your beliefs, because I love animals, and I’ve always heard that Republicans want to destroy nature. The world is my cheif concern, because it contains us all. However, at the end of this election, it was clear that one party was the “Look at us, we love Jesus and War” party, and the other was the “look at them, they love Jesus and War” party. I saw a grown man stare like an idiot into a camera, and another grown man bring a quiet, reserved young woman into the political fray like a steaming cut of pork.

The fact is, you’re both out of touch. The Democrats, moreso.

The leadership of the Democrats has made Republicans out to be Jesus-loving, gay-bashing bible-thumping warmongering tree-chopping theives. And they really aren’t. The war in Iraq was wrong, but hell, how bad has it screwed up your life? I mean, really? People are dying over there, but I doubt President Bush would REALLY go to war on the fly. And as for Social Security Privatization… I’m all for you being the “anti Republican” party, but when they press a VERY NECESSARY IDEA, then there’s no good in pressing back.

The Democrats were everywhere this past election, calling Bush a liar, a coward, a monster, a killer, a moron, and whether any of them were true, it just didn’t work. There’s something stupid about listening to country and waving a flag… but there’s also something noble about it. It’s faith in a leader. And while you shook your heads in disgust back in 1998… I promise you, now they do the same thing. The country is fractured, but it is not the fault of one man. It’s the fault of both parties.

And that includes the Democrats.

Michael Moore, lying about facts in Farenheight 911. John Stewart, screaming like a lunatic at Tucker Carlson. Underground websites comparing Bush to Hitler. I mean, really. Is it wrong to wave a flag and be a Christian? Is it that bad a thing? Some chose to support their leader, some chose to act like pricks. The Republicans chose to do it in 1998, the Democrats are doing it now. Both are justified in a way… but why do they do it?

I’ll tell you why. Because neither side wants what’s “greater” and “nicer”. You think most Democrats want gay marriage? Hell, most are just doing it to get the “trendy young woman” vote and the gay vote. Same as the Republicans supporting the NRA and Big Tobacco. It’s all for money and support, and I see that now.

Shame on you, for trying to sway people like me. Shame on you, for lying to me to get my vote. Democrat? Republican? Long ago, both sides lost what they stood for. They no longer stand for parties, but rallying points for the pacifists and the extremists, the elitists and the ignorant. Both sides talk about understanding, but neither side cares to understand.

If the Democratic leadership does not take stock at how far they’ve wandered out of the realm of the common man, they will never control a house again. A word to the wise: Nobody likes a whiner. That’s why this election was less like 2000 (or 1996, for that matter). You whined. You whined your way right out of the race.

If the Republican leadership does not take stock of how far they’re going toward a religious state, our country will end up just like all others do. You’ve got to reach out to everyone, not just your constituency. Meet with black leaders, even if they don’t vote for you. Ignoring a problem never makes it better. Anybody who’s ever had Clamydia can tell you that.

And Ralph Nader… there comes a point when… Christ, nevermind.

The fact is, I care about the world, and conserving it. If either of these two “parties” will bother to get off their asses and try and work for the good of the planet, then by all means, you’ve got my vote. Until then, you can take your gay marriages and your social security privatization and your tax cuts and just beat off to them for all I care.

I’m an Environmentalist. And from now on, that’s all I am. I’m through being a Jackass.

So here we are, a day after the election. The results are in and Bush will serve another four years as the President of the United States of America. Today was a somber day for me to say the least, and I really didn’t get much accomplished on my day off of work. I did watch Kerry’s concession speech as well as the Bush victory speech. I thought both were good, though I seriously wish Kerry would’ve went the opposite direction with his. He talked of unity, when what he really should’ve talked about was how screwed in the head the majority of American voters are. Do the American people enjoy knowing that we’re the most hated country in the world? People from other countries used to love us because we stood for freedom. Now they hate us because we’re a nation full of assholes, the biggest of which is sitting in the white house as I type this.

I really expected the results to be different from how they turned out, and I truly believed there was no possible way Bush could win. I had put my faith in the American people and assumed they’d had enough bullshit for the past four years. I assumed wrong. Gluttons for punishment, I suppose. It’s safe to say that I’m not exactly happy about the results, but what more can we do at this point. Most people I’ve talked to, ones that were strongly against Bush, seem to have an “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” attitude about the whole thing. Everyone is talking about uniting as a country and working together. I’m sorry, but I just can’t feel that way. Obviously, anything to change the election results is out of the question. But side with the enemy? Never. Issues such as war, gay marriage, and abortion will continue to separate us. Our country has been divided in half and I don’t see anything United about our States of America. I doubt any of us will for a long time.

For now, I suppose we’ll sit back for a bit and see what Bush does next. Maybe he’ll do a bit better this time around, though I have my doubts. He doesn’t seem to care much for what the people want, rather what Bush wants. That’s not how a President is supposed to think, and shame on Americans for not realizing that.

While you’re here, you should also give Bryans article a read. It’s a great article and brings up a great issue. Enjoy.

Somewhere a Home

Thank you for reading. Until next time, I’m out.

“The guy who wrote “The Star Spangled Banner” knew what he was doing. He set “freedom” to a note so high, that nobody could reach it.”
-Tony Kutchner (Told you it wasn’t me, Jaz )

Well, the elections are over, and we’ve chosen a lot of leaders. But one thing really stood out to me that echoed the mindset of this country more than any electoral tally: 11 states voted to prevent Gay Marriage in any form. Is it because homosexuality is considered wrong in these places? Or it makes people uncomfortable? America has spoken, homosexuality has no real home in America. So what I will propose in this column is something rather radical… but something that I think is absolutely necessary.

Israel has become a home to the Jewish race and faith. It is the soul “Jewish” country in the world, albiet one that is always in grave danger from it’s bedfellows. However, it has stood as a bastion of hope and understanding for an entire people.

Liberia became a home to the African Slaves brought over to the United States who managed to get away. They formed their own nation, named “Monrovia” after the president who helped them, and started one of the longest standing nations in Africa. They aren’t perfect, but they stand for the power of one people to unify, and to create a new home, in the face of adversity.

Every race…group… has a home in this world. Puerto Rico, England, Canada, the United States, Liberia… every group has its home in one of these places. American Liberals gather cheifly in the metropolis areas, while Conservatives hold sway in the rural areas. Everyone has a place to call their own, in a sense. Except one group; the homosexuals.

Now, one could say a lot of smart-allecky things at this point. “Don’t they have Massachusetts?” No. They have a country that seems disgusted by them. That denies them the freedoms all other consenting adults can enjoy. That portrays stereotypes of them for comedic effect on Television. That has preachers talk about how they will all burn in hell, and how they disgust God. The Democratic party, after this bloody repulse, will begin to lean farther right, leaving the Gay Rights movement sitting high and dry. So what can these people do? Are they doomed to put on appearances, quell their innermost longings, and try to fit in even if their heads and hearts say no?

Many people have been persecuted throughout history. Jews. Gypsies. Blacks. Indians. But all of them have or have begun to overcome the pressures holding them down, trying to drown them in a sea of hate. All except one.

So what do we do? What can we do for these people?

I say we give them an Israel.

Baja California stretches south of the United States, running parralell to Mexico. The land is made up of warm beaches facing the cool Pacific. I’ve been told it’s a beautiful place, where the sun sets over a sparkling ocean. Much like the Gadsen Purchase of long ago, we could buy up a small stretch of this land. It could be a safe haven… a small nation… for a people with no home.

The location is irrelevant, but the necessity is real. Our country spoke last night, and said that we are not a culture of equality after all. Or we just aren’t ready to be yet. We ask our gay citizens to be A.E. Housman rather than Oscar Wilde. When they hold out their battered arms for comfort, we shower them in Bible verses. When Mathew Sheppard dies tied to a wooden stake, rednecks and football players in high schools cheer. This is not a home for the homosexual populace, any more than Germany was a home for the Jews in 1933. Any more than America was a home for the Souix in the 1860’s. Any more than… well, you get the picture.

I’m not saying we move all of them out. I’m saying we give them the option of a place where they can avoid bigotry… avoid oppression… and feel free to be themselves in a culture that does not harbor hatred for them. We owe them that much.

One day, we might be capable of being the true “Land of the Free”. But until then, we should give citizens who can’t be free here a place where they can be. We did it once before, and we can do it again.

“Everybody needs a place to rest, everybody wants to have a home.”
-Bruce Springsteen

Go Vote!

Go vote for peace, vote for our safety, vote for prosperity, vote for our economy, vote for the people outside our communities, vote for our children, vote for our respect, vote for our troops, vote for our future, vote for our jobs, vote for our loved ones, vote for our firemen, vote for our education, vote for our environment, vote for those lost but not forgotten, vote to save democracy, vote to save the bill of rights, vote for sanity, vote for honesty.

Vote to correct a miserable failure.

Please, for yourself, for me, just go vote.

Vote to take back our nation.

One of the sorriest displays of politics in recent years is winding down to it’s inevitable halt. In two days time (god willing), we will know who our new President is. George W. Bush will either have his second term, or Kerry will have his first. Whoever wins, they will have a thankless and very difficult task on their hands. I’ve laid my chips with Kerry, however, I’d like to request things of both candidates. No matter which one ends up winning out, there are things that either candidate would benefit hearing. So here goes.

To President John Kerry…

Okay, so I guess you’re wondering how you got this far. After all, you were getting schooled by Howard Dean this time last year. Thank God he’s a screamer… because I doubt he would have come off well at all in those debates. But here you are. President John Kerry. How are you liking it? Well, that doesn’t really matter that much. What matters is whether or not we like it.

And a good half of the country won’t be. Half will be screaming at you from day one, and a good quarter of the other half will be wary of you. You’re “the lesser of two evils” to these people. And how a task falls on you. You must unify them all. I doubt you will recieve a “unifying” moment, such as 9/11. No, I feel that your presidency will be very similar to the Clinton years. You’ll have a Republican congress standing in the way of your every move. And you know you lack the charisma of old Slick Willy.

But all the same, you must try. And I don’t mean donning camo and going out shooting ducks. You have to learn what your forerunner did not, that you must work for all of America, not just the side that voted on you. Democrats will be foaming at the mouth to undo four years of Republican control… and you must contain them.

And Osama remains. You must find him. You must. America will never fully exorcise the specter of 9/11, but so long as Osama remains alive, it will rattle its chains, and scream in our ears.

Iraq must be defused. But not abandoned. The answer to the snafu that took place between the Tygrus and the Euphrates must not hemorrage with the blood of America’s youth… but it must not be something we run away from. The world is looking at us right now, and only with understanding, well-thought out actions, will it grow to respect us as it once did.

All else is incidental. Tax cuts, gay marriage, and immigration. If this world… and us along with it… is to survive, then we all must work together. The outsider cannot be won over with brute force, but he also cannot be won over with a hug and a Jimmy Carter smile. It must be a balance of the two. I do not know how to do this. But you must find a way. Otherwise, you will join the forty-odd men who have failed at your job: unifying the world against the tribal politics and old hatreds that have poisoned it for so long.

Godspeed, President Kerry. Godspeed.

To President George W. Bush…

You’ve done it again, George. I seemed to know you would pull through somehow, and here you are, ready for another innauguration day in your egg-covered limo. How do you feel? Are you ready for more of this? At least you don’t have to worry about re-election now. And I know you’re not obligated to fix what you’ve broken. You can sit on your laurels for four years, until some other candidate with something to prove steps up. You can do this, and cement your place in history…

…or you can try something else. You can try redemption.
As night fell on September 11, I never thought I’d see a country as shattered as it is now. I knew we were going to band together. You could hear it in every American voice. I knew you’d get re-elected, but if you could pull through for us, I didn’t care, no matter what happened in 2000. You were our president, and we believed in you.

And for a while, everything was fine. Everything was okay. But then there were cracks in the lining. And then everything shattered into pieces when you declared war on Iraq. It was America’s first pre-emptive war. We’ve done some crass things in our history-poisining the Souix with Small-Pox laced blankets, blaming the destuction of the USS Maine on Spain just so we could take Cuba…. but this took the cake. We swept in and chased out the gremlins of your father’s failed war. We toppled the Statue. We were triumphant. You drove down on your steel bird, screaming “mission accomplished”. For those who would hear the Siren’s Song of blind patriotism, it was a shining moment.

But it didn’t last .

Fire in the night. Gunshots in the streets. Fat goverment contracts. Flag-draped coffins. The liberal backlash. Michael Moore, trying to sign up people to go fight for your war. Anne Coulter, claiming anyone who didn’t support you was a Traitor. And before you know it, we’re back to 2000, fractured into two pieces, and all we’ve got to show for it is an empty stretch of ground and four thousand new graves (and counting).

So you’ve got another four years. Do us a favor. Redeem yourself.

No more Halliburton garbage. Be open to everyone. Stop listening to the bald man in glasses, and listen to your promises from 2000. Leave no child behind. Leave no adult behind. If you want to make it certain every unborn child makes it into the world, give them the means to craft their future. And keep their future rife with possiblity, not isolation and paranioa. Stop trying to scare people, and stop trying to use Jesus as a prop. Religion is not the cure for the world’s suffering, it is the cause of it. Address your shortcomings. And transcend them.

You are a good man. You are not a stupid man. But you are not very articulate, and you let yourself be pushed around by those below you. You can do little for the first, but you must do something about the second. You know what those troops in Iraq are going through. Show them that you care about every last one of them. Form an Exit Strategy.

But your greatest task will be to build back those bridges you burned. The rest of the world stands around us. We can hate them, and spar with them, or we can overcome two million years of bickering and killing. It’s our choice, I say we make the right one now.

You’re back, but you don’t have to go down in history as the guy who just squeaked by. Or as the man who mortally wounded his country. You can be that grand uniter. But you must work with those who you disagree with. For unity is made up of the acceptance of all people… not just the ones on your side. So it should go in the United States of America, and so it should go in the world-no matter what the armchair generals, the rednecks, the nascar dads, and the spoiled trust-fund babies say.

Be the President we know you can be. And be it now, whether your presidency ends in 2005 or 2009.

Thank you gentlemen, and goodnight.

In closing…

The choice is before you now. And no matter who you choose to support, make that support known. Every vote cast strengthens America. It brings us together as one people, working together to decide our future. So vote Kerry, or vote Bush, or vote Nader, or vote for Benny Hill… but take part. Don’t do it for your party, or your agenda… do it for yourself.

The future is what we make it. So help make the future on November 2.