So it’s fairly late at night and I am surfing the web when I get an email. Enclosed within is a message informing me that someone wishes to be my new friend at Myspace. Oh boy! Who is this mysterious person who I have never met who wishes to brighten my entire dark void that I call a life with pointless comments and as much of their unfunny banter as possible? I’ll tell you who this person is, its that crappy emo band that covers Whitesnake with trumpets, or that 13-year-old girl who dresses more slutty then a prostitute in the Dallas Cowboys locker room, or perhaps it is neither and maybe its just Tila Tequila.

Regardless of who the invite is coming from, its always the same motive, they only want to be listed at the top of the Internet popularity food chain. Well guess what? It’s the Internet, no one really cares about you, and sadly, the only reason people will accept these invites is to boost their own level of self-security and raise their level of Internet popularity by a few numbers. Plain and simple, I don’t care about your crappy band and the crappy music you put out, I don’t care about how sexed up you wish to be at the age of 13, and I most certainly don’t want to be your friend. Oh and to all of you 21 year old girls who dress slutty and want to be my friend, you need to stop too. I get enough scantily clad girls from the True adds that liter the screen every time I need to log on because a friend harasses me to comment on a new picture of theirs, if I want to see T & A I’ll download some porn. Please, this is the INTERNET for Christ sakes, lack of cloths isn’t as good as no clothes, and no clothes is even more accessible then a little bit of cloths, so please just stop.

Further more, to people who aren’t in the boat of winning the popularity contest, please stop showing off your crappy artwork and awful mini self-projects. Myspace is NOT a place to be artistic either, go and create your own web page to show this stuff off, I swear these people also most likely add a link to their Myspace account on job resumes nowadays to show off their work and what they are capable of. Finally, on a personal side note, stop sending out those retarded chain letter posts, no one is going to come back from the dead to kill you if you don’t continue to post them and true love won’t find you not because you didn’t send out a new bulletin, true love won’t find you because you never step away from you lousy computer screen.

Moving on, I was at the bar last weekend, and it was a fairly good time and everyone was having fun, and then what had begun to occur was possibly one of the biggest crimes against humanity that I have ever witnessed. A girl weighing in at 250+ got up on the bar top and started to dance. I swear to god, your not hot, you don’t have a good body, and no one wants to see your ass crack. If you are a fat girl, don’t show off your goods, no one wants to see that, and you know who I am talking to. Girls who weight under 115 pounds go crazy trying to lose weight to fit into a bikini, so why do girls weighing 215 have no trouble putting one on? Are they that delusional? Do their friends tell them that they are sexy and cute? If you are a fat girl, do not wear skimpy cloths, do not dance topless at bars, its that simple, you will make people throw up. I don’t see how this is such a huge issue today in America, but it happens all the time, its not something that’s an isolated incident, fat women think they are hot and dress as if they were 10 sizes smaller, please, this goes out to all those fat girls friends, tell them they are fat, tell them not to wear certain outfits, do not let them dance on bars when their pants will fall down, just say no to them, don’t worry about hurting their feelings because when someone calls them a beached whale, it’ll just be that much worse on them and you could have prevented it, I mean sure, fat chicks need love to but, that is why Thomas Edison invented the damn light switch.

To wrap this week up I will just be posting a very one sided online conversation this week between me and John.

Big Danny D: the batman
Big Danny D: the crappy cartoon on channel 11
Big Danny D: on Saturday mornings
Big Danny D: they are up to Clayface 2 already
Big Danny D: ON THE CARTOON
Big Danny D: I turned it on
Big Danny D: and they were actually calling him Clayface II
Big Danny D: and I was mad
Big Danny D: so very very mad
Big Danny D: because that shits pointless
Big Danny D: especially on a kids cartoon
Big Danny D: its just not needed
Big Danny D: like they REALLY messed up Clayface
Big Danny D: the show originally focused around batman and these 2 cops
Big Danny D: who were trying to get him and arrest him
Big Danny D: one of the cops, a guy, was Bruce Wayne’s college roommate
Big Danny D: and they were prominent characters
Big Danny D: and the cop who was Bruce’s friend…
Big Danny D: he became Clayface
Big Danny D: Clayface I
Big Danny D: which, ok, I’ll admit, it was cool
Big Danny D: he had a real back story
Big Danny D: u knew who he was
Big Danny D: and u felt bad for him
Big Danny D: cause he legitimately was a good guy
Big Danny D: who became a bad guy thru the torture of people on the street not accepting him
Big Danny D: he went insane
Big Danny D: now
Big Danny D: Clayface II
Big Danny D: was just some smuck
Big Danny D: who we didn’t know
Big Danny D: and they gave him a background story in 10 seconds
Big Danny D: and u got an evil clayface with no remorse, and a good Clayface
Big Danny D: I understand, the 2 Clayfaces of theater
Big Danny D: comedy/tragedy
Big Danny D: its dumb
Big Danny D: why?
Big Danny D: because its a kids cartoon
Big Danny D: and 12 year olds can’t understand this
Big Danny D: i hate when they switch shit up in comics
Big Danny D: but 10-15 years can warrant a change
Big Danny D: 2 seasons on a damn kids cartoon?
Big Danny D: its like the god damn power rangers, i hate that shit
Big Danny D: and even they were full time real actors who had to be paid and eventually want to move on in their careers
Big Danny D: this is a villain on a cartoon, taken from a pool of what? 60+ other batman villains
Big Danny D: who appears in the show once, MAYBE twice a season?
Big Danny D: were the writers that much out of ideas?
Big Danny D: they couldn’t come up with a new puzzle for the Riddler?
Big Danny D: or something with 2 sides for two face to steal?
Big Danny D: or an insane rampage with the joker thru the streets of Gotham?
Big Danny D: or did they just run out of giant birds for the penguin to steal from a zoo
John: haha
Big Danny D: the original batman animated series made it thru like 4 seasons with no problems, then went into justice league for Christ sakes
Big Danny D: they even gave robin teen titans
Big Danny D: so pissed off

Now go link this article to at least 15 people or you’ll be forced to sit through 1 episode of Perfect Strangers for each person under 15 that you don’t send this too.

So there I am, watching Comedy Central when on comes a show that makes me literally want to rip my eyes out, Scrubs. Oh boy! As if we weren’t lucky enough to see the same 5 episodes of Mad T.V. re-aired over and over again that now I need to be force-fed this poor excuse for a sitcom with jokes that are so painfully unfunny that unless you were tripping out on acid you should have no reason to laugh at.

That brings me to my next question; why do people like Zach Braff? His whiny comedic antics are on par with that of a roller coaster flying off its tracks and killing hundreds in its wake, the man’s just not funny. Don’t get me wrong here either, I could understand if he was good looking, but the reality of the matter is that he just looks dirty and lazy. Are people really THAT bored that they’d pay to watch him on television and in films or are they just stupid?

Which leads me to The Marine…. Who on God’s green Earth even thought to say “John Cena isn’t exactly the most gifted wrestler in the WWE, so let’s give the man a movie deal.”

Now before I continue I just want to say that I’m about to give away a spoiler to this abysmal piece of art that will forever truly haunt the great archived classics of Hollywood. I’m going to be straight forward here, if you are really going to be upset by a spoiler of The Marine that means you actually want to see this movie, but have been too lazy to go, because this is simply a film that you go see opening week or you don’t go. That fact alone justifies me for spoiling this film for you, because you suck.

Back to the topic, in the film ‘The Marine’ John Cena portrayed an ex marine who was discharged from the military. Now even if you missed the high paced, action packed thrilling first 5 seconds of the film that created such an intriguing background story for the film that literally kept all 15 movie goers on the edge of their seats (probably ready to vomit and leave the theater), or were just a complete idiot and didn’t realize what movie it was that you paid to see, well don’t worry, there’s good news! John only mentions that he was a Marine all about five thousand times in the film. Seriously though, the man had 3 lines throughout the entire film that he had to constantly recite. It was like one of those old dolls with a pull string on the back, pull it for “I am a MARINE!”, “My wife was kidnapped!”, and “Oof!” Ok I guess we can’t really count the last line as an actual word. Of course however, to be fair to John, if his acting goal and directive was to try remain stiff and emotionless well then the man deserves an Oscar, because that was the best portrayal of a wood board I’ve ever witnessed. Oh and as for the ending? Well the entire film was your typical action film, wife gets kidnapped, bad guy double crosses another bad guy, the double crossed bad guy winds up being the cop whose been helping you out, etc. So you can easily take a wild guess as to how it ends.

Jon-Mikl Thor… Enough Said, look it up, moving on.

Sony, listen up. I don’t want a PS3, especially not for the $600 price tag. Oh wow, Blu-Ray DVD, whoop dee doo. Many people still have televisions that can’t differentiate the quality between VHS and DVD, why do we need an improved quality format? Was DVD really all that terrible? And are you really saving money buying a PS3 over a Blu-Ray player ANYWAY? Realistically? No your not, because chances are unless you were on line at a store at 7am last Monday waiting to buy a preorder, your going to be spending $2000+ on ebay for one. Honestly, this is beyond necessity and wanting, this is just stupid. Soon enough there will be a level of quality so precise that the human eye won’t be able to detect it and yet people will still believe that it’s a must. Further more, most of these games will be available on cheaper systems, sure their will always be the exclusive titles, but remember folks, graphics do not make the game, no matter how much you lie to yourself, it is the game play that keeps you coming back, the background story and characters that you learn to love and wait with anticipation of it’s sequels, not the flashy graphics and pretty pictures.

Back to the preorders. It is estimated that 75% of the preorders made are going straight to ebay, in fact many already made their way there. Some were removed, others not. Some for as high as the $2000 I mentioned earlier. Impressive? No, not really, quite sad actually that people feel the need to spend that amount of money of a product that will most likely collect dust. Even if you get a ps3 who are you going to play with? Chances are many of your friends won’t have it so friendly online play can be ruled out, have fun with the 12 year olds kicking your ass in one on one. Then of course if you pay the ebay price for it, how will you even afford games? How do people HAVE this kind of money to just toss away? People claim we’re in a depression and jobs are hard to find yet people are paying 2g for video games? Give me a break.

Finally, to round out the things that pissed me off the last two weeks, this past weeks Monday Night Raw had both Kevin Federline on, as well as Jackass and Wildboyz (It hurts me to even type that) stars Steve-O and Chris Pontius. Although K-Fed was booed without mercy, he did bring up a good point, that people are still buying his records and buying the magazines to read up on his life. STOP SUPPORTING HIM! I don’t care why people buy anything with his name on it or in it, even if it’s to make fun of him, stop, just stop it. That’s all I’m going to mention about him because if I say his name one more time, he will probably get a new record deal or something, simply cause he’s being mentioned on the internet.

As for Steve-O and Chris Pontius being on Raw, well, they wanted to get their asses kicked in a fight, which is fine, they’re stunt men who can’t make it big other then filming themselves getting injured in very comical situations. Its funny sure, and someone’s got to make this kind of comedy, but when one of them begins to actually have a successful career like Johnny Knoxville then its time to pull the plug. I wished I didn’t have to point this out, but if your claim to fame is having others throw bowling balls at your crotch then you DO NOT DESERVE to be put on the cover of GQ. Steve-O, Chris, remember these words I’m about to impart to you, keep on amusing us with your crazy stunts that no one else who is sane would ever do, but remember, we will never see you winning an academy award, so don’t try, because you won’t, if you were serious and even semi-decent actors, then you wouldn’t have to set your pubic hairs on fire for people to like you.

This is Big Danny D, and those were a few things that pissed me off this week.

It’s a packed crowd at the Great American Music Hall in San Francisco, California. Rob Cantrell walks on stage, grabs the microphone and thanks everyone for coming out. He tells a few jokes, smiles and runs his hand through his fluffy hair. Then suddenly, his tone changes and he starts preaching about strip joints. “I don’t like going to the strip club. I never feel fully satisfied or content,” he explains. “I always walk out feeling mad and confused, thinking to myself, ‘Man, I just paid 60 bucks for a boner.’ I get that for free every morning.”

While everybody laughs, Cantrell continues his set and why shouldn’t he? He’s living his dream. Rob Cantrell, 32, is a stand-up comedian who tours all over the country. Sure, appearing on NBC’s Last Comic Standing and Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn has furthered his career, but he’s been on one wild rollercoaster ride.

The rollercoaster began in his hometown of Washington, D.C. Sure, he was living in the nation’s capital, but still had a regular childhood. “I was pretty spastic. I was never really that good at sports, but I played video games, threw rocks at things and goofed off with my friends,” he says. “All I wanted to do was have fun and ride my Huffy bike around town.” Amazingly, that bike never broke on him. Just like many other kids, his family moved. He would share time living in Buena Vista, Virginia and D.C. When he was 10 years-old, his father passed away. He’s mother played a more active role in his life, especially when it came to academics. So when he applied to colleges, he chose to go to Denison University, a small school in Ohio. “My mom is really from the old school. She’s very exact and just wanted me to go to college,” he explains. “Denison was small and I got in. That was the big thing … and that was the best one I got into to tell you the truth.”

After receiving his English degree (and drinking a lot of Boone’s Farm), he decided to explore Southeast Asia in late 1999. “I took some time to travel around, get my mind straight and figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life,” he states. “I went to Cambodia, Indonesia, Mali and other places, but then, I ran out of money and was in California.”

He lived with his friend in San Francisco and decided to try teaching out, but after a year and a half at a private school, he realized education wasn’t for him. He decided to try out stand-up comedy. “When I was 13, I wanted to go to Open Mics,” he admits. “I always had these clippings of Open Mics, but at that point, I was just looking to grow up. So stand-up kinda took a backseat until I was 26.” He would work odd jobs during the day and crack jokes crowds at night. Rob Cantrell was getting involved in the hustle game.

Bear: So Rob, are you a hustla?
Rob: Yea, all day, everyday. I’m the hustla, but I don’t carry a piece or a gun.
Bear: So you’re a peaceful hustla?
Rob: Yea, I’m kinda like a broken down hustla. But I’m still a hustla.

He was hustling for over three and a half years before his break came. In 2003, NBC had an open audition for their new reality series Last Comic Standing. Cantrell tried his luck and impressed the producers. “They kept calling me back, I kept going up and I got through the preliminary round in San Francisco,” he claims. “They invited me out to L.A., I had seven dollars in my pocket and I wasn’t sure if I was going to keep my job. Things were falling apart.” But little did he know things were starting to fall into place. He went to the West Coast Regionals in Los Angeles and astonished the celebrity judges. He went to the Finals in Las Vegas and the momentum kept building. At the end of the night, he was chose to compete on last Comic Standing and Jay Mohr gave him a key to the comic house.

He secured his spot on the show, but now, he was in competition with nine veterans to see who would be the Last Comic Standing. Comedians would be eliminated every couple of days and when it was down to eight, Cantrell was on the chopping block. He was voted into the “Elimination Match” and he chose to test his comedic skills against heavyweight Ralphie May. “I respected Ralphie and I know he was the most feared out of the comics because he is so funny and all the audiences like him so much,” Cantrell explains. “If I did take him, I would look like the man and if I didn’t, there would be no shame in it.” At the end of the round, the audience sent Cantrell packing. Instead of being down on his luck, the comedian stayed positive. “It wasn’t meant to be and with the amount of exposure there was, I couldn’t be bummed up. It was all good on all fronts.”

Rob Cantrell was out of the competition, but he’s been quite active since Last Comic Standing. Right after the show ended, he hit the road with Jay Mohr, appeared on Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn and was selected by National Lampoon to showcase his talent on the DVD series, The Rising Stars of Comedy. Speaking of DVDs, he recently produced, directed and wrote his own performance film/documentary entitled Metaphysical Graffiti. “It’s sort of a collage of four of my best shows with some outtakes for what it’s kinda like to be a comic, to go to these gigs and hang out backstage,” he explains. It begins with the comedian cracking jokes at Dublins, a comedy club in L.A. and throughout the film, he can be seen kickin’ it with comics, making pit stops and performing at other shows. Metaphysical Graffiti is sold exclusively at RobCantrell.com and because a limited amount of copies were made, he doesn’t mind if you burn the DVD and give it to a friend.

As you could tell, Rob Cantrell is a laid back kinda guy. He can mellow-out to Beck and the Flaming Lips and get crazy with Lil’ Jon and Clutch. He’s not the most famous celebrity, but more like a B-list rock star. Actually, he describes himself as “a little bit of cheese metal with a little bit of bling-bling rap mixed in with a 3 year-old dorky white boy.” Regardless, he’s living his dream; he tells jokes, makes people laugh and gets paid. “I don’t need to be the biggest celebrity in the world, I don’t need to be Tom Cruise. I don’t give a fuck anymore,” he proclaims. “I want to make cool art and stuff I can respect. If I can make a living off of that, it would be icing on the cake.”

Keep on hustling, Rob. Tom Cruise has nothing on ya.

Freshman year of college a group of friends and I found ourselves inspired. We we students at the Pratt Institute in Brooklyn, NY. Probably one of the most liberal of art schools in the United States, (and that’s saying something). Being college students and art geeks; we had both too much time on our hands and spare video equipment laying around. Not to mention over-active imagination and a deranged sense of humor.

Pratt is famous for a lot of things, one of them is the fully operational steam engine on campus. One of the oldest in the country, and one of very few still functioning. The engine room is located pretty much in the dead center of the campus and is - as any Pratt student or alumni will tell you - a haven for the massive stray cat infestation. Apparently the warmth from the engine room attracts them from the cold New York air. While all the cats were harmless, not everyone was a fan, as you soon will see.

What follows is a video dreamed up, shot, edited and rendered all in a one hour break between classes. It is something that caused a controversy for about a week and spread around campus like wildfire. For that week we were both loved and hated by much of the school, we were rockstars. It’s something, as sick and juvenile as it is that I’m still proud of to this day. Enjoy. (Quicktime 6 or higher is required, which you can find here.)

Watch The Video

(© Jeff Dodson, Max Cameron-Bell, Mike Safianoff, John Morrison and Marcos Landeros. Mentos is a registered trademark of Van Melle USA Inc. the individuals involved in this video and MediaRebellion.com are in no way affiliated with Van Melle USA Inc. This video is a parody, as allowed by US law. Please don’t sue.)

In 1996, Director Baz Luhrmann put a post-modern twist on one of the most romantic love stories told with William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. The characters traded in their rags for Versace, their daggers for pistols and castles for elaborate mansions in this Shakespeare remake. Leonardo DiCaprio stars as Romeo, the Montague trying to capture the heart of Juliet Capulet, played by Claire Danes. However, the Montagues and Capulets, the two richest families in Verona, have a rivalry and hatred towards one another. The clans will stop at nothing to dismantle the other, just as Romeo and Juliet will stop at nothing to be together.

There are three scenes I would like to touch up on, starting from … well … the start, I suppose.

Thumb Biters at the Gas Station
A firefight ensues, started by two smartass Montague servants literally “biting their thumbs” towards members of the Capulet squad at a Gas Station. I like the scene because using guns at a Gas Station represents destruction and the film symbolizes the tearing and destruction of two families. However, because the environment is in post-modern Verona, they should have used middle fingers instead of thumb-biting. I know it was looked at as an insult back a few centuries ago. Nowadays, if somebody were “biting their thumb,” people would think the person is a sketch ball or may contain an oral fixation. I’m sure there are a few freaks in Verona.

Killing Mercutio and Tybalt
So Tybalt is all fired up and wanting to rip somebody’s head off so he decides to pick a fight with Romeo. Although Romeo declined to dance, Tybalt roughed him up, causing a battle. Somehow during the break-up of the brawl, Tybalt “accidentally” killed Mercutio. Romeo (or Leonardo DiCaprio if you will) walked towards Mercutio like the baby he is, crying like he lost his new shirt. Mercutio tried shaking off the fatal injury and when he realizes he is dying, he becomes this angry man and yelled, “A plague … a plague on both your houses.” Talk about being moody. After DiCaprio is done crying like the little baby he is, rain began falling from the sky. A huge thunder and lightening storm brews. Oh no! He’s mad! Don’t piss off DiCaprio.

So what happens next? The roles reverse: DiCaprio becomes a psycho and Tybalt becomes a pussy. Tybalt gets the crap kicked out of him and got shot more than 50 Cent. And what happens after these murder sprees? A banishment from Verona. That’s it. I know this play was written centuries ago, but come on. If you are going to update a play, just don’t update the setting. Don’t do it half-ass. Heck, if killing somebody only got you removed from a certain town, then the death toll would be a lot higher today. I could see it now; “Hey man, I’m moving to Canada … I just killed some bitch for looking at me the wrong way.”

So after the banishment, Juliet and Friar Laurence wrote a letter to Romeo, which explained the plan. He was to rescue Juliet at the Crypt, where she “faked” her death. Only problem is Romeo heared from his servant that she was alread dead. Romeo returned to town to say his last farewell and never received the letter.

Committing Suicide at the Crypt
Juliet (or Claire Danes) is in her final resting place, surrounded by millions of magnificent candles in a room bigger than the size of any school dormitory. The secret is she really isn’t dead; Friar Laurence gave her a pill, which kept her asleep for several days, but of course DiCaprio (or Romeo) doesn’t know this. So, he snuck into this fabulous Crypt, saw the love of his life motionless and knew for himself she is dead. After DiCaprio does what he does best (cries like he skinned his knee), he drank a potion and as he died, he saw Danes waking up. So now, he’s a confused dead person. When she realized he didn’t know, she screams “Oh Happy Dagger” and takes her life too. I thoroughly loved the setting as it was both eerie and beautiful at the same time. Both DiCaprio and Danes pulled it off nicely and it was the best scene, mainly because it wasn’t far-stretched from what really happened. It really catches the mood of regret and despair.

In regards to the lighting, it seemed somewhat like natural daylight and night time, which was pretty cool. When a character was sad, then it would rain and background music would slow down. When it got intense, the camera angles focused on the mug and music sped up.

Although the film takes place in the present-day environment, the language was the same as the book. Don’t get me wrong; I like the lingo in the book, but if you are going to do a remake, then relate the whole thing to today. That is why this movie isn’t a remake: it’s just an update of imagery.

Oh yea. If DiCaprio wasn’t such a big sissy, this movie probably would have been better. You know Shakespeare is going to be kicking Luhrmann ass in heaven.

The Decision: Throw it in the Trash.

(Would you ‘Keep it in the stash’ or ‘Throw it in the trash’? Let us know.)

Like a serial rapist, 2005 is upon us. And that’s a good thing, I think, especially movie wise. 2004 gave up some decent films, but for the most part, it was a series of good-but-not-great sequels like the Bourne Supremacy or Spiderman 2 (bite my piece off for that one if you have to), straight up awful sequels like Shrek 2 and Resident Evil: Apocalypse, and warmed-over movies that featured such familiar sights as Will Smith saying “Oh Hell No.” 2005 is overing us… well, it’s a mixed bag. I will not introduce to you my top five most anticipated movies… one’s I’ll probably be in there opening day for… as well as a few I think are going to hit the ground like a bag of war cow farts thrown from the Empire State Building.

TEN MOST ANTICIPATED MOVIES OF 2005

1. SIN CITY

What can I say? Everything I’ve seen regarding this movie so far has blown me away. They’ve assembled some great actors (as well as Jessica Alba in buttless chaps, which is something I thought I’d never see) in three tales straight out of the Frank Miller series of the same name… the original “Sin City”, as well as “That Yellow Bastard” and “The Big Fat Kill”. What gets me is the atmospherics of what I’ve seen… how every character lives in the person who plays them. Particularly from what I’ve seen, Mickey Rourke (as Marv) is supposed to take us in, but it’s the hard-jawed good-guy personality of Clive Owen (as Dwight) seems the most outstanding. Bruce Willis hasn’t stood out in anything I’ve seen in the previews (which I’ve watched a retarded number of times), but I’ve learned never to doubt him. Also, we’ve got Benicio Del Torro as Jackie Boy, Nick Stahl (yeah, I dunno who he is either) playing the Yellow Bastard, and Elijah Wood as a serial killer cannibal. Interested yet?

2. BATMAN BEGINS

Batman’s cool. Anybody who can go from gay-ass pedophile in the 60’s to the murderous avenger of the night (and back if you’ve seen Batman and Robin) is cool in my eyes. After Schumacher treated the franchise like a Vice City hooker, I couldn’t help but feel depsondent. BUT THEN… BAM. We get the guy behind Memento and Insomnia to tackle this franchise…. to bring in Ra’as Al Ghul (most unappreciated Batman villian… ever) into the fray, plus the Scarecrow. But what gets me is this CAST…. this is a really amazing cast! Gary Oldman? GARY OLDMAN. Yeah, that’s right. Plus Katie Holmes, which is never terrible.

3. KING KONG

Peter Jackson is a hairy, sweaty, fat man. But he can make a mean movie. And when this filthy, rotund little mutant releases King Kong, I’ll be there. Know why? Because the man can truly turn fantasy into reality… and keep it so the average viewer can tell what’s going on. Can’t wait.

4. LAND OF THE LIVING DEAD

Night of the Living Dead is still the scariest movie I’ve ever seen. And Dawn of the Dead sometimes gives me messed up dreams. I’ve looked forward to this guy’s next entry, and from what I’ve heard, this is going to be a movie that will do things with this genre never thought possible.

5. MINDHUNTERS

I don’t care if the name’s retarded as the children of a imbred alchoholics who live under power lines. I want to see it. I dont’ give a damn what you think.

6. THE 40-YEAR OLD VIRGIN

Steve Correll playing Richard Kane. Simply awesome.

7. CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY/CORPSE BRIDE

TWO mothereffin’ Tim Burton movies in ONE YEAR. What the hell did we do to deserve this? And both star Johnny Depp. I’ll admit the Charlie trailer did very little for me with its wierd wierdness, but that won’t keep me out of the theater. And Corpse Bride… well, I just have to see a major motion picture with THAT title, don’t I?

8. THE RING 2

Hey, remember putting that towel over your TV? Man, what a dork. Still, I’d like to see how they expand on this idea. Very curious about this one.

9. STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH

I don’t know why this is on here. They’ve disappointed me time and time again.

10. WAR OF THE WORLDS

Would be higher if the trailer didn’t blow like Paris Hilton after five hits of ecstacy. I have faith in that neutered old wiener Speilberg, and figure this’ll either be Jurassic Park or, at the very worst, A.I. Which is pretty damn bad.

TEN LEAST ANTICIPATED MOVIES OF 2005

1. THE PACIFIER

If I wanted to see bald men who appear to have down’s syndrome change baby’s diapers, I’d… I’d… well, why would I want to see that anyway? Why would ANYBODY want to see that? And why would anybody want to see this? Vin Diesel just sucks. I’m very sorry, but… I can’t think of anything to say that would spell it out any clearer. The fact movies like this get made gives me nightmares.

2. SON OF THE MASK

Yes, this is what we needed. A sequel to a movie that’s already as dated as a Duran Duran remix by fatboy slim. Not only didn’t they get any of the original stars yet, but they’ve decided to give us what the public has been asking for for as long as I can remember… TALKING DANCING BABIES! Awesome! This will be the best sequel since Baby Geniuses 2! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get a hot poker and Edward the Second myself.

3. XXX 2

Hint: If Vin Diesel wouldn’t do the sequel in your franchise, your franchise sucks ass. See Fast and the Furious.

4. BEWITCHED

Yes, there’s been a loud outcry for as long as I can remember for this movie. People just wanted to see a 50’s sitcom made into a movie. I mean, after the runaway success of Leave it to Beaver and Rocky and Bullwinkle, can Perfect Strangers be far behind?

5. CHICKEN LITTLE

Hey, Disney! Remember when you closed your animation departments to do computer animation? That was stupid. Let Pixar do what they’re good at. And don’t make your animators pay for your own sorry-ass business decisions.

6. MONSTER-IN-LAW

Oooh, Jennifer Lopez in a comedy. Can’t you just smell it already? Wait, that’s just J-Lo.

7. SAW 2

You know, I hate movies that mess up my perception of the original. But Saw was such a blazing, fly-covered piece of crap that this can only improve things. No Cary Euwels please. If I want to see bad acting, I’ll go have sex.

8. HERBIE: FULLY LOADED

Ah, Lindsay Lohan, she of the fake boobs and…

…um…

…Disney contracts suck a Persian dick, don’t they?

9. THE DEVIL’S REJECTS

Think Saw 2, but worse. Rob Zombie should not be allowed near any technology, ever. And Diamond Dallas Page? STARRING? Let me point you to “Ready to Rumble” to give you some idea of how bad of an idea this is.

10. FANTASTIC FOUR

I think they’re sort of gay… “Flame On!”… but I was willing to give them a chance, until the trailer gave me Catwoman vibes. Ouch. Here’s an idea, when you do a trailer with music, use COOL MUSIC. People might see your movie, then.

Well, that’s enough out of my ass. Enjoy the damn article.

-Bishop

One of the minor plot points of the movie Pulp Fiction, is that the wallet carried by Jules Winnfield is adorned with three powerful words…

Bad. Motha. Fucka.

When Jules first mentions this to the Tim Roth character, he seems to think it’s a joke. When prompted, he finds the wallet, and seems a bit bemused by the fact that this man, THIS MAN, carries with him something that looks like an eighth grade summer camp project… Then he remembers the gun pointed at his balls.

In any case, I’ve wondered for several years now…

Who Else is Qualified to Carry the Bad Mothafucka Wallet?

Well, I’m glad you asked, bitches… Sit your asses down, and don’t spam my damn topic or I shall be forced to revoke your L.A. priveleges.

Mind if I borrow some of your frosty beverage?

What?

Do they speak English in What?

ENGLISH, MOTHAFUCKA, DO YOU SPEAK IT?

Sorry… Sidetracked. Bygones… Counting backward on my incredibly overambitious idea, all the way to Number One!

Bad Mothafucka #100: Prickle the Dinosaur

I know what you’re thinking. And you’re right. It IS true what they say about men with big… dorsal fins. Prickle is most notorious for being a cohort of Gumby, the Clay Boy, and Pokey the Big Ass Former Italian Pornographic Star Horse. His place within the Gumby Pantheon is that of the God Mars, The War Bringer.

While surrounded by silly morphing clay children, Prickle brings 3 things to the table…

#1: Voice characterization.

While every other Gumby character sounds like a ten year old sucking helium, Prickle sounds like Archie Bunker after a bad day at the plant. He’s got no time for bullshit, and isn’t afraid to say it. Prickle cuts to the point.

#2: He ain’t cuddly

Them spines is Razor bleedin’ sharp. In a world made of goop, he’s the blade of truth and liberty.

#3: This exchange:

Bad. Motha. Fucka.

Daaaaaaamn Right.

(Next Time: Sleeper speeding, People Bleeding.)

(Written on January 3, 2005)
Vince McMahon’s World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) remained the top professional wrestling organization in 2004. This column is going to be the “Best and Worst of 2004″ of the WWE.

This was a year of up and downs for Vince McMahon and company. Wrestlemania XX saw the crowning of Chris Benoit as World Champion and Eddie Guerrero retained his title, but we also saw Brock Lesnar and Bill Goldberg wrestle their last matches in the WWE. The year was marred with the premature pushes of John Bradshaw Layfield, Randy Orton, and Carlito “Carribean” Cool. However, I will give them credit for the gradual and rather impressive push of Batista these last few months. The visit to Iraq was a wonderful thing, yet they ruin it with Muhammad Hassan and the 9/11 remarks. Sometimes it seems as though Vince has absolutely no clue what he is doing. Well, let’s get to the awards.

Worst Female Wrestler - Lita

Lita racked in what had to be the worst year of all the female wrestlers. In my opinion, she’s lucky she was not released along with Gail Kim. After going through neck surgery that sidelined her for some time, her in-ring work greatly diminished. One of the major angles of the year was the pregnancy angle between Lita and Kane. The angle was absolutely HORRIBLY written and Lita’s ATROCIOUS acting did not help it either. The angle did bring out two bright spots for me though: Trish Stratus’s unbelievably good heel-side was brought out in her dealings with Lita, and Gene Snitsky’s terrifically bad, yet funny, acting. I thoroughly enjoy watching Gene Snitsky and hope he continues to grow in the ring.

Best Female Wrestler - Trish Stratus

For the last few years Trish Stratus had been the loveable, blonde damsel. In this past year, she took a major step forward in her career when she turned on Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania XX. Throughout the year, her mic and in-ring skills vastly improved. She is, without a doubt, the backbone of the women’s division in the WWE. With Trish’s skills improving, I expect her to have another big year in 2005.

Worst Tag Team - The Dudley Boys

The Dudley Boys ended 2004 as the worst tag team. Arguably one of the best tag teams of all time, the Dudleys, fell off the face of the earth in 2004. They had a brief stint as Spike’s “enforcers,” yet that didn’t last very long. The Dudley’s just aren’t the entertaining tag team that they used to be. I don’t know what is in store for this team in the year 2005.

Best Tag Team - William Regal and Eugene

I thoroughly enjoy watching Eugene in the ring, however, the “special kid” angle has been pushed way, way too hard. The thing I enjoy the most about Eugene’s matches is when he unleashes the Rock Bottom or the Stone Cold Stunner on someone. William Regal is finally being used to his ability as a gifted technical wrestler, and he and Eugene have gelled well together. The fans have fully backed them as a team, and I see La Resistance (Sylvain Grenier and Rob Conway) as the only team able to unseat them.

Worst Single Wrestler - Christian

“Captain Charisma?” You have got to be kidding me. Watching Christian wrestle is like listening to someone scratch their nails on a chalkboard. Christian is a tag team wrestler. He needs to stick to tag matches. In his short-lived feud with Sheldon Williams, Christian was really exposed for his bad technique and LACK of charisma. You do know the reason he calls himself “Captain Charisma” right? That’s because no one in their right mind would call him that. I enjoyed Edge and Christian as a tag team, but when they split to follow single careers it was obvious that Edge was the talent on that team. Hopefully the WWE will ease my pain and take Christian off of Raw.

Best Single Wrestler - Chris Benoit

Chris Benoit had a great year on Raw. At Wrestlemania XX, Benoit realized his dream of winning the World Title. At the Granddaddy of them All, Benoit defeated Triple H and Shawn Michaels in a great Triple Threat Match for the title. He carried Randy Orton through their World Title Match at Summerslam. Throughout the year (and his entire career if you want to be honest), Benoit has continued to produce great match after great match. Barring a serious injury, I expect him to have another stellar year in 2005.

Most Overrated Wrestler - Randy Orton

Randy Orton takes the cake in the Most Overrated Wrestler department. The guy definitely has mid-card skills, no doubt about it. However, he’s not up to main event level, and I believe the WWE realized it after awarding him the title over Benoit at Summerslam. A mere one month after defeating Chris Benoit, Randy Orton dropped the title to Triple H at Unforgiven. The WWE made the mistake of skyrocketing Randy Orton to the top before he was prepared. Finger of shame at the WWE for not developing Orton like they’ve done with Batista lately.

Most Underrated Wrestler - Chris Jericho

Y2J continues to be the most underrated and underappreciated wrestler in the entire WWE. He’s held every major title in the WWE (minus Cruiserweight), and he was the first-ever Undisputed Champion, beating Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock, arguably two of the greatest champions of all time, in the same night. He has carried Christian through a feud that has dragged on for too long. Jericho continues to put on amazing matches time after time, yet he never gets any love for it.

Worst Match of the Year - Bill Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar : Wrestlemania XX

A majority of the fans in the arena knew that this was going to be both of these superstars last match in the WWE. With Goldberg not signing back with the WWE and Lesnar leaving for the NFL, the WWE was put in a horrible predicament. Who do you have win? They decided on letting Goldberg win the match, however; they allowed Stone Cold to deliver the Stunner to both men at the end of the match. During the match the fans showed both how they felt about them with loud booing and chants of “Boring” and “You Sold Out”, the latter directed mainly at Lesnar.

Best Match of the Year - Brock Lesnar vs. Eddie Guerrero : No Way Out

The WWE finally realized the tremendous fan support behind Eddie Guerrero placed him in the World Title match against Lesnar. The match was absolutely amazing from opening bell to pinfall. The interference by Goldberg added a great future feud between Goldberg and Lesnar as the Smackdown fans popped like crazy for Goldberg. Eddie capitalized on the interference and pinned Lesnar to win the match.

Well that’s all from me about the WWE in the year of 2004. Hopefully 2005 will be another good year. I also want to see how JBL continues to grow on the Smackdown side of things. He’s got some of the best mic skills on the Smackdown roster, and he seems to be developing into a true heel, as long as they keep him from getting too political. Hopefully NWA:TNA will continue to grow and actually put up a decent challenge to the WWE in the upcoming year so we can have some better all around wrestling action.

As a long-time comic book reader, I have come to realize that it (like most entertainment channels, really) is a cyclical game. In recent years, I have heard people refer to the new Renaissance in comics, with talented writers on long-since-thought-wrung-out characters… Moments like Actor/Director Kevin Smith taking over a written off character called Green Arrow. Moments like Scottish writer Mark Millar’s stunning “Wanted” series, apparently starring Eminem. Moments like writer Brian Michael Bendis single-handedly redefining the Avengers.

Inevitably, I think back to the LAST time I heard such high praise, such high hopes, such smoke blown up so very many collective glutei.

It was the early 1990’s, and comics were in a low period. (Alright, smarty, I hear the peanut gallery crying out “They can get lower?” Pipe down, you!) I clearly remember when a series called Marvels came out… Spider Man, The Hulk, The Avengers, The X-Men, all seen from the perspective of the proverbial “Man on The Street” with photorealistic painted art.

Marvels Cover

At a time with Marvel Comics (home of Spider-Man, The X-Men, The Hulk, and other future movie properties) was churning out utter drek at a staggering pace, Marvels was deftly written, with characters that long-time fans recognized, behaving in a manner that even the new “grim and gritty” crowd caught on to. I was absolutely BLOWN AWAY by the work, fully painted art, by a new kid named Alex Ross. I had seen his work on Terminator comics, but wasn’t really a fan (of the art OR the comics).

But his painting, combined with the masterful scripting of Kurt Busiek, really brought a whole new perspective to comics, and brought back to life concepts that Marvel was allowing to languish. The building blocks, if you will, of the Marvel Universe had been misused, abused, and otherwise mutilated, but Ross and Busiek were showing that they weren’t irrevocably gone. The showed what COULD be done. It may not have been Marvel’s “Citizen Kane,” but it was a good solid “Magnificent Ambersons.”

Busiek and Ross just… GOT IT. Observe:

Marvels #1
Marvels #3
Marvels #4

Looking back, now, I find myself troubled by the art. It’s not that the work ages particularly badly. It’s not really any more or less oxidized than anything else that came out during that, the Gilt Age of Comics. But as I view and re-view the art, I remember what I initially drew me to it: Dynamic perspective. Photo-realism. Light and shadow. Recognizable characters…

And yet… I like it, less and less, each time I see it. What once seemed fresh and new, now comes across as… forced. The Angel on the cover of issue #2, for instance…

Marvels #2

Obviously references to classical paintings, ala the wing placement, the noble curve of the chin, the soft lighting on the wing. Very Caravaggio. And yet, it’s lifeless. There’s no character, no life, no VERVE. It’s a very pretty snapshot of an ugly scene.

Alex is currently doing covers for one of my favorite comics of all time, a title called JSA. And each issue, I look at the covers, and I appreciate the craft behind the work… To be frank, I’m kind of jealous of the talent involved. But when I open the book, I find I can’t quite accept the covers at face value anymore…

JSA Cover

Wanna know why? See the girl in the right foreground? That’s Courtney Ross, the former Star Spangled Kid, now Stargirl… She’s approximately 17 years old, a teenager with braces, who is learning the ways of the superhero world from the veterans of the Justice Society.

Star Spangled Kid

That is how the original artist portrayed Star Spangled Kid, and how I see her. A spunky kid, full of attitude and sass, ready to wedge her Doc Marten in the pudgy ass of evil. A superhero who isn’t less cool because of her blonde ponytail and XX chromosome. Look again at the JSA cover. What do you see?

I see a kid. A real flesh and blood girl, whom I don’t want to see impaled on the Sword of Anubis, or punched by Black Adam, or god forbid, sliced open by a Joker-branded deathtrap. SHE’S TOO REAL!

The use of this unneccesarily more realistic image has actually distanced me from the story I enjoy, and from the comic that I usually love to death. It’s no longer Stargirl, kick ass hero. To my mind, it’s Courtney, the young girl who babysits down the street. Not someone I want to see in mortal danger.

And it’s more than just offending my macho BS sensibilities… The picture of the Stars and Stripes cover is ACTIVE, it’s DYNAMIC, it’s SSK about to kick you inna face! The Ross cover? It’s a still life. Beautiful, but essentially dead. It looks carved, forced… The characters look frozen, locked in a painstakingly drawn, but still mostly boring skyscape.

Another example?

Even setting aside how successful or unsuccessful the work is, it’s a very selfish, very self-aware, and a very one-sided communication model… More on THAT next time! Same Cobra time, same Cobra station!

Apparently slamming the Matrix for not being worthy of the title visionary has enraged the masses, so prepare yourselves. It’s clobberin’ time.

First off, if you haven’t already, check out the article mentioned above. You can find it here.

In that article I explain that the concept of the matrix itself is pretty much identical to the matrix from Shadowrun, so I won’t get into that any further in this article. Instead, I’ll be going into the other things that the Matrix stole from.

Before I begin, however, I must point out that I do not hate the Matrix. I like the movies, they’re entertaining. I do, however, hate undue accolades. The movies do not deserve to be called visionary, and neither do the creators.

Right then, first things first. Bullet time. When the first Matrix film came out the big thing that people talked about were the bullet time sequences, mainly the one where Neo does that limbo move to dodge bullets. While the sequences did in fact look cool, they weren’t original. The bullet time effect has appeared before the Matrix. In the first Blade film bullet time is used briefly during the sequence in which Deacon Frost asks Blade to join him whilst holding a young girl hostage. Blade was released before the Matrix. Second example. Futurama. That’s right, a cartoon did it before as well. In the episode entitled “A Clone Of My Own” the Planet Express crew rescues Professor Farnsworth from the Near Death Star(a space-bound retirement home). During their escape a bullet time sequence shows the Planet Express Ship freeze in mid-takeoff, then the environment spins around it in exactly the same manner as the scene from the first Matrix film where Trinity jumps up into the Karate Kid-esque pose, then kicks somebody in the head. That episode first aired in 1999, and was written a year in advance.

The next argument for the Wachowski brothers being geniuses is their blending of religion, philosophy, and science fiction. Nope, sorry, not going to do it. Mary Shelley wrote “Frankenstein” in 1818. “Frankenstein” blends philosphy, religion, and science fiction into a much deeper story with better defined characters. The main themes of “Frankenstein” is the debate of nature against science, man against machine. Guess what the main theme of the Matrix is. Yep, you guessed it, man against machine. In “Frankenstein”, however, Victor creates the daemon who is, in the end, the death of him. In the Matrix, the human race creates the machines to help them, and in the end, the machines are the death of the human race(most of it, anyway). The Matrix takes the theme of “Frankenstein” and makes it literal, but in the process loses the character depth and substitutes it with wooden, cliched stock science fiction characters. Neo is the staple “reluctant chosen one”. Trinity is the love interest who really doesn’t have much to her character aside from being said love interest. Morpheus is the cryptic mentor whose main purpose is to wax philosophical and propel the plot. Agent Smith is the one-dimensional villain who has no character traits aside from wanting to take over the world and destroy the hero in the process. All of these are standard science fiction archetypes that have been seen many, many times before. So, to recap, the philosophical/religious context of the Matrix is essentially the same as “Frankenstein”, which was written nearly two hundred years beforehand.

The other main theme of the Matrix is “do we really exist?”. A good, thought-provoking theme. That’s been discussed for hundreds of years. And is also the theme of a Game Boy Legend of Zelda game, which came out in 1994. In the Zelda game, subtitled “Link’s Awakening”, Link finds himself shipwrecked on an island. Eight dungeon crawls and a big boss battle inside of an egg later, it turns out that the entire island was the mental construct of the big fish that lived inside of the egg and was not in fact real. Much like the Matrix is the construct of the machines and is not in fact real.

Arguments that have been put forth as to why the Matrix is in fact visionary can be broken into several main categories. The first two of these categories have been addressed already. Those categories are technological/special effects impressiveness and the combination of religion, philosophy, and science fiction. Another of those main categories is the argument that it was a mainstream hit, and that because of that it merits the title of visionary. That argument, however, is weak, and here’s why: the insipid and unorginal beast that is reality television is riding a huge wave of mainstream popularity. Just because something is popular doesn’t mean it’s visionary, or even good, it just means that it was marketed well and/or pandered to the lowest common denominator.

The rest of the arguments put forth as to why the Matrix is visionary involve slamming other films, which isn’t particularly relevant to the discussion. The Lord of the Rings movies did very well, yes, but no, they’re not visionary films either. Star Wars falls into the same category. A visionary film is, at it’s core, a film that tears down preconceptions about the medium and innovates something new. The Matrix did not do that.

I know that there will be those of you who read this and still think I’m a crazy Matrix-hating Star Wars geek, and that’s fine. You can continue to line the Wachowski’s pockets and phellate their egos at your liesure.

Walrus out.