There are many virtues that the powerful and mighty encompass. Some have charisma. Some have bravery. Some have compassion. But very so often, you find people who encompass the greatest of all possible attributes: Bastardry.

Welcome to my first ever article on this oft-overlooked virtue. Now, enjoy, “Profiles in Bastardry.”

Profiles in Bastardry: Missouri
Michael J. Fox vs. Rush Limbaugh, or, ‘How dare you play with people’s emotions. Now here’s Jesus.’

Claire McCaskill and Jim Talent are in a dead heat in the senate race in Missouri. Claire has slowly been clawing her way up, making this race the quintessential ‘photo finish’ of all races. Jim Talent is an American hero, a tweedy looking little nerd who beat a widow in a special election. So this election should be a cakewalk for him, given Missouri’s past.

But things change. One of the four pegs that hold the whole right-wing circus inside it’s blood-red tent is the righteous indignation it has toward procreation rights and stem cell research. Because every human life is precious (unless it is impoverished, then fuck it). Never mind that Jenna Bush has probably eight times as many abortions than Chelsea Clinton. It’s bad. And so is making it productive.

Being a pro-lifer, I don’t care for abortion. I quite honestly think it’s a rather barbaric and murderous act. But I also am not a fifteen year old pregnant girl, so what the fuck do I know? So I figure, if it’s going to happen, the unborn might as well work to the benefit of human kind (and wouldn’t Jesus take them in, anyway? No sin, right?) . So I am a pro-life guy who supports stem-cell research. I also support financial aid to impoverished children. And an education system that keeps children from ending up with no other options than to go kill brown people. So I go for the closest thing this country has to a pro-life party, and cast my votes there, with the Democrats.

Anyway, there’s a very real human side to stem cell research. Michael J. Fox, who has made ads for Republican Arlen Specter (more on this later) and other candidates who support stem sell research, decided to help Claire McCaskill with an ad that featured the very real effects of the medication that is used to combat the disease.

Damn him!

Luckily, impotent, corpulent, deaf drug addict Rush Limbaugh was there to teach this terminally ill man, who was obviously a secular gun-hating fag from Hollywood, who was boss.

Oh Rush’s radio show, he made this statement regarding Fox: “He is moving all around, and shaking, and it’s purely an act.” (Accompanied by, among other things, a video of Rush Limbaugh shaking and moving all around. And jiggling, because he’s a tubby porker).
Now, Rush Limbaugh is no Bill Frist. He has no history of being able to diagnose somebody from miles away. Rush’s position went from ‘purely an act’ to him ‘not taking his medication’ to him ‘overmedicating himself’ (as Limbaugh is known to do from time to time).

Michael Fox responded with class. He simply said that it’s not easy for somebody who doesn’t have the disease to really assess it. Which is much nicer than saying, ‘screw you, you fat, pill-popping loser.’ Limbaugh offered several non-apologies. So how would Republicans bounce back from their former war horse attacking a terminally ill man for showing symptoms of the disease stem cell research could combat?

By pimping Jesus, duh.

In a campaign commercial in Missouri, the bad actor who badly played Jesus in a bad movie joins some guys who play children’s games for a living and the cunt from Everybody Loves Raymond to decry stem cell research (making points like, ‘it will take fifteen years for results,’ so as John Stewart put it, why start?). The breadth in which the makers of the ad miss the message of Fox’s ad is amazing. Fox was not used because he is a celebrity. He was used because he is who stem cell research might help.

Okay, so throwing Jim Caviezel and other douchebags in there to combat him shows that they don’t understand that basic principle. Then the committee behind the ad do something they often complain that Democrats do: us an unassailable figure to push their agenda. In this case, the same one they’ve been using for years: Jesus fucking Christ.

Jim Caviezel spouts out some Aramaic from Mel Gibson’s snuff film, to remind you that he played Jesus, and that Jesus would approve of what he’s saying. Something that shameless actually makes me want to watch the movie, so I can see this man beaten to a pulp. Caviezel knows who paid to see him die so many times, he knows where his bread is buttered. As he sings for his supper, hoping that he’s not relegated to golf movies after the success of said snuff film, he calls for Christians to ensure the slow, agonizing death of people like Michael J. Fox, not just for the next fifteen years, but forever.

Also, is it just me, or should a bunch of fruits who stick steroid needles in their asses to help them play a game not be taken seriously when they start to talk about the merits of medical research?

Profiles in Bastardry: Tennessee
Corker vs. Ford, or, ‘It’s me or the nigger, Tennessee!’

You know, the south doesn’t have a lot to be proud about. Anyone who’s grown up in the south knows there’s not a lot to do here. You can either stand around and sweat, or possibly go visit an elderly woman relative who has more ceramic Jesus figurines than teeth. Needless to say, the south is an unpleasant place, made worse by its unpleasant tendencies (most Civil War reenactors come from the South).

One unfortunate tendency, which has predominated the South since it’s inception and continues, ever so quietly, today, is its deep animosity toward African Americans. Which, to me, makes about as much sense as a man in tight shoes being angry at his shoehorn. Sure, the shoehorn may be somewhat responsible for the man’s dire straights. But he must remember that he picked up the shoehorn (black people) from it’s drawer (read, Africa) to help force his foot (the south) into his undersized shoe (read: an agrarian economy driven by free, torture-induced labor). Now he has to deal with the long-term consequences of his choice. Damn that shoehorn for being used!

Which brings me to Harold Ford, who is running for senate. He’s single, handsome, young, and black, with a cool-sounding name. In short, he’s everything the man he’s replacing, Bill Frist, is not. He’s running in Tennessee. Ever heard of Tennessee?

Tennessee is famous for many things, and not just how horrible it is there. No, there are places like Nashville, where circus-bear killing country acts like Montgomery Gentry are born. There are also places like the Grand Old Opry (note the gross misspelling of the last word; a sad reminder of the health of public education in the Volunteer state). It is also famous for (note to editor: insert something interesting about Tennessee here, I haven’t been able to find anything else).

But with all it has going for it, Tennessee could break the mold in another way, a way that requires no steel guitars or washboards. It could be the first state in the south to elect a black senator. Imagine the progressive symbolism of thousands of Tennessee farmers, taking a break from molesting their daughters to go vote in the first black man ever, in the south, to become a senator since the situation became possible roughly 130 years ago.

He’s running against Bob Corker, who would be roughly the 1,453 honky bastard from the south to hold a senate seat (though, to be fair, that number includes those from before as well as after 1865).

So how would a run-of-the-mill schmo like Corker stand up to Ford? Would it be by showing signs of some great initiative that would finally bring Tennessee into the seventeenth century? Would it be by making a promise to improve the lives of the downtrodden and wanting? Would it be by setting a plan in motion to strengthen the state, and make it a glorious paradise on earth? Would any of these options be what Republicans in Tennessee would use to rile up the masses?

Almost. But instead they called Ford a nigger.

Not literally, of course. You can’t call somebody a nigger in politics anymore (calling them a macaca is fine until Virginia says different). But there are other ways.

Ford does have a few little quirks that sexless conservatives might feel like harping upon. He’s been to a “Playboy Party” (or, as read by the swaths of Amy Grant fans that make up Bill Frist’s old supporters, something that sounded suspiciously like a sexually gratifying orgy). Perhaps going to a party of this sort isn’t entirely seemly, but any single man would relish the chance to rub elbows in the company of beautiful women (save for Mark Foley, who would prefer masturbating boys).

Okay, fair enough. So Ford is human and wants to have sex with beautiful women. Big deal. I can see them doing an ad about that. So what you get is this: after B-list actors rattle off charges about Tennessee values (while saying nothing about fucking your cousin) and how Ford has abandoned them. Then this:

A ditzy, semi-nude white woman winking at the camera and asking Ford to call her.

Never mind that it was sleazy, and the production quality was solidly bush-league. The subtext was pretty obvious: a vote for Harold Ford was a vote for miscegnenation. Ford, a blacky Mcblackerson, was threatening to go canoodling with the white virgin flower of Tennessee, as he had at the ‘Playboy party.’

Of course, the boob Republican had no idea the ad was going to come out, and when the negative backlash started, ‘pleaded’ for the ad to be pulled. It kind of wasn’t. But luckily, another ad was ready; this one showed images of Ford backed up by the beating of tribal drums.

So not only might Ford deflower the virtuous white women of Tennessee, he might also eat them or sacrifice them to his voodoo gods. Please. Well, it’s lucky for us that people in Tennessee are too smart to be swayed by such tactics.

Corker’s lead over Ford is growing.

Fuck Tennessee.

Profiles in Bastardry: Virginia
‘Welcome to America!’

Okay. Not a lot to say here.

George Allen is running for reelection, with eyes on the presidency. All while brazenly using a racial slur on a man who was born in Virginia (unlike Allen himself, who was born in California). He’s also praised the Confederacy, and has been noted for dropping racial slurs around his friends. He’s also trailing in the most recent Virginia polls.

Maybe he should run in Tennessee.

Profiles in Bastardry: Florida
The proverbial fox in the henhouse, who asked eggs how they jerked off and then bought them dinner.

Mark Foley. Is there anything really left to say? You could almost feel sorry for the guy. Then you remember that he was quite vocal in his defense of children against online predators, like chairing a committee on it in a very visible way, and you realize he was as full of shit as the rest of them.
So you just prop your feet up and watch him burn, and fully enjoy yourself.

Plus!
Bonus Observation: ‘Jesus wants you to vote for me, now check out my tits.’

Katherine Harris. A living punch line to the least funny joke of all time. The woman who may be indirectly responsible for the deaths of at least 6,000 Americans. She wants to be a senator from Florida. And she says she’s going to win. Never mind she’s down in the polls by somewhere around the area of twenty points. She knows how to steal an election. God, does she ever know.

Katherine knows other things, too. Like standing sideways during an interview to show off her boobs.

But beyond that, she also believes that separation of church and state is a fallacy. Great, Katie. Go to the churches and tell them to make out a check for two hundred and thirty years of back taxes.

Now, I know what you’re saying. What about the boobs again? Well, I say get a life.
Just kidding. Here’s more of Katherine McJesus being classy.

Alright, well, it’s five days until the election. Have fun.

#4 - Pick Yer Poison.

I’m not-quite-watching Monday Night Raw, while perusing the internet comic sites for information on coming attractions, when I fall across this statement, by brilliant and damn-well-experienced-enough-to-make-pronouncements comic creator Steven Grant:

Everyone has ideas.

Followed by this corollary:

Ideas, in and of themselves, mean nothing.

It’s telling that I immediately connected those statements to the television show I’m watching, to the books I’m previewing, and to my life in general. I have m’self a bit of a quandary, you see. I’m at a point in my Back In The Day Cafe where I realize that there IS an end coming. And if I intend to be anything more than Gary Coleman, coasting for decades on “Whatchutalkin’bout, Willis?”, I need to have ANOTHER idea. More honestly, I need to have another GOOD idea.

The same goes for my Monday night wrestling. I can’t remember the last time I sat and *ENJOYED* a two-hour block of Monday night. Scratch that, actually, I can. I was the week after last year’s Royal Rumble (the match where EVERYBODY and their dog goes head to head, and the winner gets to fight the standing champion, for the uninformed), and Chris Benoit jumped from one wrestling show to the other, so he could challenge Triple H. That would have been the time when I felt that GOOD things were going to happen…

Two weeks later, my wife and I were both laid-off, my entire household income disappeared, and we found out that her maternity leave wasn’t going to be paid.

Shows how good MY instincts are.

Wrestling needs a good idea. King Cobra needs a good idea. Y’know who ELSE needs a good idea? The comic book field in general. Marvel Comics has essentially ignored the last 20 years of continuity to create the “Ultimate” comic book line, which, as much as I like some of it, is a transparent attempt to make their characters “Hollywood-ready,” and turn them into movies. DC Comics has returned Hal Jordan to his role as Green Lantern, after unceremoniously dumping him a decade ago for a “new blood” named Kyle who was quite obviously the writer’s wish-fulfillment alter ego.

“This milk is sour. I’ll try again TOMORROW!”

If the idea doesn’t work now, there’s a damn good chance that it’ll still suck tomorrow.

Hal Jordan is back! Everything you know is wrong!

Spider-Man has ORGANIC web-shooters! Everything you know is wrong!

THIS challenger might beat Triple H!! Everything you know is wrong!

The common denominator? An idea that has been tried before. The problem is NOT “jaded audiences,” as WWE might have you believe. It’s not “market fragmentation,” as Marvel seems to think. It’s not the “New Paradigm” that DC is desperately trying to capture…

It’s the ideas, stupid. It’s the ideas that have been done before. If you want to SHOCK me, put the belt on Batista. Then let Batista fight Randy Orton. Let him fight Chris Benoit, let him fight Edge. Keep Triple H away. Keep Shawn Michaels away. Sidetrack The Usual Suspects into their own issues, and show me an idea that isn’t just a new twist on an unworkable concept. Oh, and take all these “bodybuilder” muscular types who can barely bend their bulbous arms, and GIVE THEM A WRESTLING LESSON. There are WORLDS of moves out there beyond clothesline-powerslam-arbitrary finishing maneuver.

Take the Spider-Man that people read every month, and GIVE HIM SOMETHING NEW. Drop the “Mary Jane is pregnant/missing/kidnapped,” drop the “Aunt May has Cancer/Heart Disease/Rickets/The Heartbreak of Psoriasis,” drop the “Jonah Jameson hates Spider-Man” and show me some actual character development. This a 30 year old man who still lives with his de facto Mommy, even though he’s got a really attractive wife, who still works where he did when he was Sixteen, who wears the same clothes he wore as a high school kid. That’s not just lazy writing… It’s creepy.

Take Green Lantern, and stop the madness! Everything I knew CAN’T continue to be wrong, because for the last 15 years, *I HAVEN’T KNOWN A DAMNABLE THING!!!!* You HAVE to stop destroying the status quo, because YOU HAVEN’T GOT ONE ANYMORE!!! There comes a point where you have to admit that something has gone horribly awry, and have a NEW idea. Don’t just transpose one that’s worked before (F’r example, “Kyle Rayner, a 20ish tough guy loner has super powers…”) and don’t think that simply going back to a PREVIOUS iteration of the same themes is going to make a difference (i.e. “Hal Jordan is fearless and honest, and has super powers…”). Yes, the second is a better idea, subjectively, and one with longer legs in terms of story hooks, but really… Haven’t we seen them both ad nauseam?

Show me another Invincible. Idea: Mark Grayson, an interesting and human kid, has this life, and it’s perfectly recognizable to all of us, while being completely fantastic. Oh, and he has superpowers.

Show me another John Cena. Idea: A character whose gimmick grows organically out of the wrestler’s own interests, who can make the crowd like him AND hate him, who can actually move, who can talk, and who (when the Focus Groups leave him the hell alone) is pretty interesting.

Show me another JSA. Idea: 50 years of continuity, and an ENORMOUS cast, used in exciting, entertaining stories, rotated in and out so nobody gets overexposed, nobody gets stale & boring, nobody becomes another Wolverine, appearing 560 times per month in stories that will all be undone in a year or two when we decide that “EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG!!! And this time, WE MEAN IT!”

In short, there are NO truly original ideas. Just give me a spin on one that belongs to YOU. I don’t expect you to NOT have influences, I don’t expect you to NOT reference that which has come before, I don’t expect you to NEVER stumble in your creative efforts… All I REALLY ask is that you TRY to give me something that ONLY you can do in the order you do it, and beware the problem of going back to the same well OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

Tune in Next week for “Journey to The Valley of The Sons of The Bad Motha Fucka Wallet Volume 2: All We Got Left Is Don Knotts and The Guy Who Played Devon on Knight Rider.”

You know we have all heard the stories. Stories of women telling their man that they were an absolute stallion in bed and then giggling to their friends their boyfriend was a minuteman hung like an ant. Guys go to their friends and brag about how great their woman said they were in bed and she flat out lied to them. It’s because since the beginning of time woman have been faking it. Faking the screams and the deep scratches in the back

If they can fake it then why can’t I? And no, I’m not talking faking good sex, because we all know that a woman’s role in bed is fairly simple. Warm, wet, thrust, repeat. I mean faking something much more sacred, something much closer to the soul. I mean lying about something so important that it hurts my heart just thinking about it. Let me explain.

I am a New Yorker trapped in Pennsylvania. I live in the Lehigh Valley, for those of you who don’t know where that is NYC is only 10 miles farther from me than Philadelphia, so I’m right in the middle basically. You would think that this would bring some balance in the world of sports up here. Well it doesn’t, while most of the area is hardcore Yankees fans, and I’m not sure if I would rather them be Phillies or not, when it comes to my passion for football everyone up here is Eagles fans. This makes it really had to go to a sports bar and pick up any of the really fine women in the area. Now I know that sounds weird but for some reason the sports bars around me are filled really fine woman.

So this brings me to my dilemma, do I go through life bored and alone or do I swallow my pride and pretend to like the Eagles in hopes of meeting that special someone, or even just a someone at this point? Do I break a cardinal rule and pretend to like the team that I hate more than anything. If Fred Durst did it all for the nookie can’t I claim the same right, I mean I am way cooler than him. Do I sell out and buy a McNabb jersey to wear when ever I go to Rookies?

So many questions that I just don’t know the answer to, but here is what I am thinking. I do need an Eagles jersey at some point to complete my collection of one from every team. Buying a Randall Cunningham jersey wouldn’t be selling out because I loved that man, even though he broke the Giants hearts on a few occasions. I could just wear it out on Friday nights, I would look like an Eagles fan but since there would be no game on I wouldn’t actually have to cheer for them. Plus if you listen to most Eagles fans all they do is bash their team anyway, so its like I would be undercover. I could say things like “if the Eagles only had a player like Shockey” or “isn’t it heartbreaking being a fan of a team that has never won a Superbowl?” I would fit right in with out selling out! But I would still feel dirty, I think I would rather be alone forever than be with an Eagles fan…

In closing I would like to say sorry to my friends for even thinking about this and E-A-G-L-E-S CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE!!!!

On November 2nd, American citizens will choose who they want to lead their national and local governments. For the past twelve months, political rallies took place so candidates could gather support and discuss issues. While everyone has done their task to get support, one of the most encouraging voices in this political season has been the music industry. Whether it’s through song, protest or public speaking, artists have always made their political opinions known. Their messages have been so powerful, they have setup their own organizations to promote voter registration.

An important influence has been MTV’s Choose or Lose campaign and every four years, the movement keeps getting stronger. The aim of “Choose or Lose” is to get 20 million voters in the 18-30 demographic to the polls this November. Following in their footsteps is Sean “P. Diddy” Combs. Since the curtain drop of A Raisin in the Sun, he started the “Vote or Die” crusade, which accomplishes the same objective of alerting young people about politics. Combs made it known he has wanted to talk Bush and Kerry, but the opportunity never arose. He did however speak to Hillary Clinton during the Democratic National Convention.

Combs is not alone in his crusade. Plenty of punk rock bands have played a role in voter registration. At the 2004 Warped Tour, young citizens went to the booths and signed up to register. Aside from the ever-so-popular Rock Against Bush CDs/DVDs, the Rock Against Bush Tour is taking place right now, featuring Anti-Flag and Tom Morello. On top of that, the cornerstone of this brainchild, PunkVoter.com, started becoming even more popular. This association is headed up by prominent punk bands like NOFX, Bad Religion and Green Day, but members range from the Foo Fighters to No Doubt. Their target is to educate, register and mobilize over 500,000 of today’s youth as one voice. Several factors caught this group’s eye, which include protecting personal freedoms, restoring the environment and overhauling the justice department. PunkVoter.com even provides solid facts as to why they established. Did you know 60% of 2003 graduates will move back in with mom and dad because of the lack of jobs? Did you know the unemployment rate has reached nine-year highs? Did you also know the 18 to 24 year-old voter demographic has dropped to an all time low? Punkvoter.com provides various kinds of information.

America Coming Together (ACT) is also getting in on the act. ACT is a liberal group, which has concentrated on the swing states in an attempt to persuade those citizens to vote on the Democratic ticket. To aid in this mission, Bruce Springsteen has launched “Vote for Change” concerts. Artists performing on the bills include Dave Matthews, the Dixie Chicks, Pearl Jam, James Taylor, R.E.M., Jurassic 5, Babyface, Ben Harper, John Mellencamp and many more.

Rappers voicing their opinions on politics isn’t anything new either. One of the biggest breakthrough songs in this genre (”The Message” by Grandmaster Flash and the Furious 5) was about problems in society and how change was wanted. Jadakiss is a prime example of today’s artists being political in rap. In his single “Why?,” the lyrical reference is, “Why did Bush knock down them towers/Why you around them cowards? (referring to 9/11)” This was so controversial, some radio stations edited out the lyric. Public Enemy was very vocal in years past, going back to the Reagan administration. And if you have heard the latest Beastie Boys’ album, To The 5 Boroughs, then you know of their disgust for the Bush administration. It is safe to say hip-hop has been doing their part in raising awareness for this year’s election. Russell Simmons has thrown several summits to get people involved. At one summit in particular, Eminem made an appearance to talk about the importance of this year’s election.

While musicians have done their part to make the general public aware, some won’t encourage voting because they don’t know enough about the arguments. In the October 2004 issue of XXL, there was an article narrated by Dave Chappelle entitled, “Amerikaz Nightmare,” where Chappelle sat down and talked to a few of his favorite artists. Although there were a lot of other issues discussed, politics was an element. Kanye West added his two cents in the conversation-type periodical. “That was one of my main points why I wouldn’t want to go to a lot of summits. It ’s because I’m supposed to be speaking to 3,000 kids about something that I didn’t really know about and they be using my face,” said West.

Participation by musicians in the political arena isn’t anything new. Social issues have always been at the core of rock ‘n’ roll and it became evident when the Vietnam War broke out. Multiple artists who disagreed with the war took part in the first ever Woodstock, back in 1969. The card included acts ranging from The Who to Jimmy Hendrix and attracted what is believed to be over one million people. For three days, the small town of Bethel was host to a festival of peace, love and music, which impacted a generation.

Entertainers are role models and whether they ask to be or not isn’t the point. When fans buy their albums, go to their concerts, wear their merchandise and sing their songs, music artists instantly become role models. A lot of fans will purchase anything to do with certain talents. For example, Sean “P. Diddy” Combs has his own clothing line called Sean John. Some of the clothes could be the ugliest thing in the world and people would buy it anyway. Same goes with Jay-Z’s Rocawear and every talent’s clothing line or car line or whatever. Fans listen to these artists and hear what they have to say and honestly, if people didn’t like what they hear, they wouldn’t pay any attention to them.

The people decide who sits in Congress and who sits in the White House. Over the past couple of years, many leaders say, “your vote counts,” but maybe some citizens haven’t been educated on the issues. That’s what entertainers are trying to do with their organizations, concerts and songs. These musicians are using their voice for more than just singing. They’re vocalizing a message they hope people will hear: To get involved, make a difference and make a better America. I don’t think it’s a bad thing … I think it’s courageous.

-Special thanks to John Morrison for research

Been a while, hasn’t it?

Yup, It sure has. But like a bad case of gas, I’ve risen from the electronic gullet of the internet to whine about more stuff. Actually, this time, I’ve got a point. No whining, even. Maybe a little.

It’s an election year, after all.

2000 > 2004

The country has suffered greatly in the four years that George W. Bush as been in office. We’ve heard about the big stuff, of course. But there’s a whole hell of a lot more that’s gone on, and while not DIRECTLY assosiated with Bush, I’m absolutely sure he’s been responsible for some of the lame changes between then and now.

1. N’sync eclipses the Backstreet Boys as the world’s biggest boy band.

Yeah, I know. Kind of stupid of me to point out music everyone on the internet hates, but hear me out. Go back in time and ask around. N’sync was considered the more irritating of the two bands. “It’s gonna be May” and “Bye Bye Bye” were skin-curling songs for those of us with male genitalia. And the name… yikes. In time, N’sync destroyed their slightly more homoerotically named cousin, and then the most annoying member… Justin Timberlake… got his own record of annoying songs. And he started acting like a thug, and things like that. I had faith in the Backstreet Boys to stand in the way of such jackassery. I guess my faith was unfounded.

Why this is Bush’s fault:

Bush’s boring, repetitive, unfufilling presidency marked the end of the good feelings that fed the pop explosion of the late 90’s. But people still wanted unfufilling music to go with their increasingly horrible lives, and Justin Timberlake could deliver.

2. Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez cease being hot.

Another thing that happened involved two famous ladies, Jennifer Lopez, she of the giant gluteous, and Britney Spears, she of the (formerly) unpopped cork. How did two women, so beloved in 2000, go from sex symbols to revolting skanks so quickly? There are no easy answers. Therefore, I blame Bush.

Why it’s Bush’s fault.

Bush’s military dickheadery after 9/11, and the invention of the completely useless terror alert, made Ms. Spears believe her time was soon at hand. Knowing she could die tomorrow, she threw herself at the closest, squeakiest thing around… Justin Timberlake. A few phalluses later, she’s the chunky, smoking, white-trash thing gumming up supermarket tabloids with her cellulitic bum. As for Jennifer Lopez… well, she just became a bitch.

3. Barbie leaves Ken

Faster than you can say “traumatic for young girls,” Ken and Barbie split up. The reasons for this move (aside from obviously giving Barbie a multicultural boyfriend, who, we all know, is better than any white man) are mysterious, however, Bush’s involvement in it is not.

Why it’s Bush’s fault:

Bush and the Right’s stand regarding the Federal Marriage Amendment act caused a lot of controversy in the Matell household. Barbie, a rigid right-winger, constantly referred to the “faggots” trying to “gay up” marriage. Ken nodded solemnly, and continued to vigorously eat his clam chowder. Finally, tired of Barbie’s homophobic nature, he beat the shit out of her, and went looking for a woman. Or a man. You never know with that guy.

4. Ludacris sucks

I have to admit, I loved the guy when he first showed up. As long as he was rapping about ho’s, that was. I mean, c’mon. “You’s a Ho” was great, but “Ho’s in different area codes”… heh heh, that was an AWESOME song. But of course, he now has to submit to buttmunchery. Not Bush’s fault, but I’ll still blame it on him because of…

Why It’s Bush’s Fault:

Fox News. Bill O’Reilley, the splotchiest, ugliest, no-talenthavingest talk show “host” out there decided to take his hatred of black folks mainstream. Seeing Ludacris, a black fellow, was getting a good-paying deal endorsing Pepsi, Bill bawled, “That n*gger is making money! Grrr!”. So Bill O’Reilley grew a vagina, somehow got pregnant, spread his legs, and had a baby over the whole deal on live TV. Pepsi, being made of eunuch little sheep, of course cast Ludacris aside. Now Ludacris is mad, and has to make stupid angry music, rather than his ho-heavy songs of yesteryear. Thanks a lot, George.

5. Dave Matthews releases “Everyday”

Dave Matthews is awesome. Many of you don’t think so, but that’s because you have horrible taste in music, so shove it. Anyway, Dave released “Before these Crowded Streets” in 1998, which was, in my view, his best. Great music all around, yo. But then… in early 2001… out he craps “Everyday”. And little babies worldwide break into tears. The sheer lameness of “Everyday” could have killed thousands while concentrated.

Why it’s Bush’s fault:

The election fiasco of 2000 was a horrible time for America. As James Baker hid pro-Gore ballots in that deep, somehow vaginal pouch in his neck… as the Avon lady went to Katherine Harris’s house, took one look, and said, “you know, you’ve had enough”… as whiny, dickless Republican activists interrupted ballot-counting… Dave was watching. And when Bush got elected, Dave decided to punish America by giving it and it’s stupid new president a stupid new album.

As you can all clearly see now, Bush is responsible not only for the major roadblocks on your path to happiness, but the tiny little potholes, too. Keep this in mind on election day.

-Bishop

There was a time when I was younger that I thought life was all about who had the biggest G.I. Joe base or who had the most Ken Griffey Jr. baseball cards. When falling in love only took 3 days and falling out didn’t hurt so badly because girls were icky anyway. When you could have a girlfriend and she didn’t know she was yours (my little brother is famous for that, he’s 9). Life was simple then, the worst thing that could happen to you was going through the lunch line and there being no chocolate milk left or getting hit in the face with a dodge ball.

Then getting into late middle school girls started becoming a little more important and dodge ball became a little less so. I still played with my G.I. Joes but only when no one was looking. Everyone still played with their kiddy toys but we were all too cool to admit it. When we hung out we played video games and talked about how great the Bulls and Cowboys were (I admit now that I was a bandwagon rider cowboy fan for 3 years of my life).

Later than that life changed again, the Bulls kept winning, all Philly teams were still losing, but for a little while it didn’t matter who was winning. All that mattered was that girl with the amazing smile who sat 3 seats in front of you. Her name was Kristy Steinmentz (and don’t ask me if I spelled that right) in my case. Life at that point was still pretty easy; although most of us have no idea it was easy till we look back on it.

This is about the point where our life changes, for most guys; girls take center stage. Most of us say “bros before hoes” but almost no one means it. Then at some point in your high school career you get lucky and you fall in “love” and at 15 you have met the girl you are gonna marry. You aren’t old enough to vote, drink, buy smokes, or drive but you are damn sure this girl is the one. And when you get your heart broken, you are just as sure that your life is over and that you will in fact die a virgin because without her what’s the point of living. Then something amazing happens, in the middle of despair something makes you realize life is worth living. For me three things come to mind, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin giving the stunner to Santa Clause, My little brother telling me to call Terry no matter what was wrong (that method usually worked, I hope you all have a Terry in your life), and walking on to a football field in tears because I was so upset and somehow turning it off and playing the game of my life.

Now I am 24 years old, working 2 jobs and going to school. Once again I am caught thinking “can it get any worse”. Well yeah it can, and it will. I guess my point is it can always be worse; it doesn’t matter if you are 12 and your cat died, 18 and the woman of your dreams just dumped you for your “best friend” or 24 and you still haven’t found the love of your life. Life can always get worse and it will so enjoy what you have now and don’t ever forget all the fun you have already had. Don’t forget the people who made a difference or the moments that were magical. Be humble but have confidence, be crazy but not stupid, laugh, cry, and love every minute of it because you never know how bad your next “worst day of your life” will bring. “All you have are your smiles and your cries” don’t ever forget it. I guess what I am trying to say is enjoy every minute you can because you never know what the next will bring.

Ben Wallace, a student at Pfeiffer University, has worked for his local church every Sunday and saved up enough money to go to a concert, however, he won’t be spending his paycheck seeing Christina Aguilera and Chingy, or Rod Stewart (reserved seats cost $30-$77 and $30-$100). He said, “I just don’t think it’s worth wasting so much money on just one concert, when that money can be used on other things, like buying several CDs.”

Wallace’s thoughts represent most college students’ views on concert admission: over priced. It’s tough for them to afford seeing their favorite artists live. While alumni are going to classes and with few working odd jobs to pay for clothes, food and other accessories, it makes life difficult to support their beloved bands. In other words, they live on a tight budget. Bob Grossweiner, a concert industry analyst told MSNBC, “If concert tickets don’t sell, it’s because people don’t have the money.” Maybe that’s why MTV throws their annual Campus Invasion Tour.

This leaves a very important question up in the air: how much is too much? There are a lot of factors that play into this, such as the venue, the performer and the expenses. Knowing that college students have insufficient funds, do record labels actually think they will spend anything above 50 bucks to see a mega star with maybe one act? Yea right. Most of these over priced concerts feature singers like Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake and Ricky Martin. For a good seat at one of their concerts, it would cost at least 60 dollars. Most students won’t be able to afford that, but families with trendy little girls who are in love with Ricky (or want to portray Britney) will pay any fee to see him (her). They will even buy merchandise ranging from posters to lunchboxes. It’s like the industry targets children. Then, you have groups like Kiss and Aerosmith (who toured together last year). At a show in Indianapolis, a decent seat cost $100. While these artists have influenced the college market, most of these high priced tickets will be paid by the ones who could afford them, such as their fans from the 70’s and 80’s who have a good secure job, working as powerful money hungry bosses in their big conglomerates. It appears that college students can support the bands and buy their albums, but aren’t rich enough to see them live. But then again, those artists don’t hold much of the school circuit’s interest.

In a society where music is evolving, most of today’s successful bands that are dominating the college market have reasonable ticket prices. Look at pop-punk groups New Found Glory, Taking Back Sunday and Yellowcard: those developing talents will be playing with 50 other bands for the 2004 Vans Warped Tour. Depending which region of the country you see the festival, tickets cost between $26-$36. Projekt Revolution, a tour founded by Linkin Park, is an extravaganza thrown to display music from various genres. That tour will feature metal band, KoRn, rapper extraordinaire, Snoop Dogg, punk bands the Used and Less Than Jake, and will be headlined by the cross-genre founders, Linkin Park. Tickets for this event cost $50. Blink 182 is currently touring with Taking Back Sunday and rap-metal pioneers, Cypress Hill and the general admission price is $35. Even a ticket at the Headbanger’s Ball Tour were appropriately priced at $20, and showcased Damage Plan, Hatebreed, Drowning Pool and Unearth. Even if someone were attending a local show with unsigned talent, there would be multiple artists performing for cheap. It is very possible to go to a concert and not be robbed.

The so-called reason why tickets are expensive is due to corporate sponsors, but is that really the case? The Vans Warped Tour is funded by Subway, Kraft EZ Mac, Vans and Hurley (to name a few) and the ticket price is between $26-$36. Playstation, Ibanez, Miller Lite, Hot Topic, FYE and YJ Stinger support Ozzfest 2004 and general admission is $35. The theory that corporate sponsors raise ticket prices seems like a pile of garbage. Maybe the reason why some prices are so high is because mega stars want as much money as they can get. Maybe they capitalize on the fans that made them, supported them and would do anything for them. It seems they are monsters trying to feed on their prey, and in this case, it would be their loyal followers.

Whether the real reason as to why pricey concert admission will ever be revealed, the truth of the matter is students aren’t buying it. I can just hear somebody scream at those mega stars, “Listen! I can’t pay 60 bucks to see you! I am a big fan of yours and I buy all your albums, so you better lower your ticket price now!” And if they don’t, then maybe they will become broke and realize that the artists who settle for less (for the sake of college students) are the ones who are truly rich.

(Like it? Hate it? Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment. Journal Updated.)

Jeff Slagle, a student at California State University, loves having a good time with his friends, however, he has been a victim to the fastest growing phenomenon: purchasing TV Shows on DVDs. Slagle recalled the time when he first got involved in this craze. “I was at the Frat House and suddenly, we were watching Family Guy. I remember saying, ‘I want to own that,’ so the next week, I bought it.” Not only does Slagle own three seasons of Family Guy, but he also owns every season of The Simpsons, and plans on buying In Living Color and Best of SNL.

The releasing of new and old television shows on DVD box sets has quickly become the biggest grossing product in the home video industry. This allows consumers the chance to watch their favorite sitcoms all the time at any time. This even permits the TV fan to see television shows that are no longer on the air.

Slagle isn’t the only person who purchases older TV Shows on DVDs. Nina Lutwick, a student at Clark University, owns an array of them, such as the first two seasons of Saved By The Bell, South Park and Sex in the City. She is looking add more to her collection. “I get a kick out of watching shows that I love so much and it’s nice to have them at your fingertips,” Lutwick said, “I really enjoy the shows and I will never be able to see them on TV again.” Daniel Dziomba, a senior at Pratt Institute in Brooklyn, New York, owns every season of South Park, Futurama and Kids in the Hall. He echoed the point that Lutwick made. “I have been a real big fan of Futurama and Kids in the Hall, but both shows have been taken off of TV when they used to be run in syndication,” Dziomba ricocheted. He also stressed another concept. He revealed, “I have been a fan of South Park for quite some time and they (Comedy Central) rarely re-air the episodes from some of the earlier seasons and these episodes were some of their best.”

There are a couple of factors as to why TV Shows on DVDs have become the hottest commodity, but Judith McCourt, a Research Director for Video Store Magazine, summed it all up in a few sentences. She talked to Greg Hernandez of the Los Angeles Daily News about the trend earlier this year. “The Simpsons is something that is on national television, you can record that,” she said. “But the consumer is seeing an added value in DVD because they can just watch it on their own terms and there is lots of supplemental material that rounds out the viewing experiences.”

That marketing concept makes TV Shows on DVDs a booming market. John Maynard of the Washington Post wrote, “According to the trade magazine, Video Business, TV titles generated approximately $1.5 billion in sales in 2003, up $610 million from 2002. In addition, the trade newsletter DVD Release Report calculated that studios released 527 TV titles in 2003, nearly double the number released the previous year.”

It seems pretty clear that the success of TV Shows on DVDs will keep rising. Stores are becoming stocked with these box sets, including Target, Best Buy and Wal-Mart. With the home video industry growing at a rapid pace, one could expect their favorite older or newer television shows to be on shelves relatively soon. This should please a lot of people including Slagle, Lutwick and Dziomba.

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Fast Facts
Title: CT Special Forces
Platform: Game Boy Advance
Publisher: Hip Games
Developer: Similis

CT Special Forces came out in January 2004 with the usual hoopla of a Game Boy Advance title not headlined by a major Nintendo icon. Which is no hoopla at all, in case you were wondering. That is very unfortunate, because GBA owners are missing out on a great game for a great system that doesn’t get the respect that it deserves.

CT(Counter-Terrorist) Special Forces is a throwback to the old arcade game Metal Slug, which itself spawned several console successors, and will soon have a GBA version(which will probably be reviewed here as well). Special Forces is a side-scrolling shooter in which you take on the role of counter-terrorist agents out to rid the world of the most powerful terrorist cells. In each of the four worlds you will infiltrate enemy installations, blast apart terrorist ground forces in a helicopter, and free hostages in sniper mini-games. The variety of gameplay is what really sets CT Special Forces apart from most other side-scrolling shooters, and keeps the game from stagnating and becoming dull.

The graphics resemble the old Metal Slug games quite strongly, which isn’t a problem in my opinion because those games looked very good. You play as two different CT operatives, one clad in a gas mask and winter gear, the other in jungle fatigues. The enemies are different in each world, including parka-clad troops styled after Russians, jungle raiders resembling South American guerrillas, and of course the obligatory brown guys, most of which resemble Saddam Hussein. The chopper levels look very good, with the buildings on the ground suffering from different levels of ruination, as well as rivers running through some parts of the stages.

Gameplay is split into three basic types: side-scrolling levels, chopper levels, and sniper mini-games. The side-scrolling levels are the majority of the game and involve running around large and well-detailed environments searching for terrorist leaders to arrest(you can kill them if you want, but arresting them awards an extra life) or the item that you need to get to the next part of the area, such as a grappling hook or parachute. Of course, each of these stages is packed with enemy troops whose purpose in life is to shoot you or blow you into small pieces, and herein lies the meat and potatoes of the gameplay. Each foe requires a different strategy to defeat. Some fire high and require you to crouch and shoot, some fire low and require you to hurdle their bullets before you can kill them, and some fire chain guns, missiles, or mortars at you. The mix of run-and-gun action and deciding which weapon works best on which enemy is very satisfying and makes a stage different each time you play it.

The chopper levels involve flying a military helicopter into enemy territory, usually to drop off your CT operative into a new environment. The terrorists won’t make this easy, however, and send their own helicopters to dogfight with you. In addition, tanks fire at you from the ground and anti-aircraft batteries lauch homing missiles that take a huge chunk out of your health unless you can blow them out of the sky before they detonate. Straying from the beaten path is encouraged by health power-ups scattered in out of the way areas, although you will usually have to go through a tank or six to get to them. Sniper areas are a mid-level diversion during side-scrolling stages and require you to pick off a designated amount of terrorists within a time limit(usually two minutes). The terrorists are tricky, however, and will hide in buildings or behind obstacles in the environment to avoid being killed, only to pop out and shoot at you when you aren’t looking. In addition to killing all of the bad guys, freeing five hostages in a sniper area will earn you an extra life, which is good since I usually die at least once during these sections.

CT Special Forces is a blend of throwback gameplay with modern style, a satisfying combo that will keep gamers coming back for more. And, before I forget, keep an eye out for CT Special Forces 2, which features even more old school terrorist busting action.

Hits and Misses
+ Detailed graphics
+ Good variety in gameplay
+ Difficult but not to the point of being frustrating

- Only 12 levels
- All of the weapons used by CT operatives look the same

I have to admit, before I start this article, that I am a bit out of practice. Out of practice of being an audience member for a Broadway play that is. It has been some time since I have seen a play and a lot has changed since the time when I would frequent the midtown theatres and second rate off-off Broadway shows on Long Island. So, feeling a bit out of touch with the grandiose world of Broadway, I made my way downtown to the Broadway Theatre to see the preview of Bombay Dreams.

Back story: Bombay Dreams is the story of a young man living in the slums of Bombay who dreams of becoming a Bollywood star to save his family’s home from destruction. Exceedingly simple plot, which I thought would grow into a predictable but endearing story. The plot includes all of the predictable twists, including romance, fame, conflict of interests and morals etc. Obviously this set up has enough leeway to prove itself either a disaster or a smash hit. Production by Andrew Lloyd Weber gave me much of the same ambivalence, with a wonderful hit like Phantom of the Opera, one of my favorite musicals, and another miraculously long-running demon of a musical, the ever-infamous, Cats. So up to the point of the big opening number I was both excited and wary.

Akaash, the main character played by Manu Narayan enters and addresses the audience to prepare them for the “big opening number” (“Salam Bombay”). I assume that this little break of the fourth wall was suppose to set up the premise of the spectacle of Bollywood that the play was proposing to emulate and preparing the audience for the joking manner in which the play would repeatedly refer to itself. Unfortunately the chosen words of the script are poor. It was this that I feel was the ultimate downfall of a promising play.

The opening number was, to say the least, contrived. But there were a few redeeming values, that remained the strengths of the musical until the final exhausting curtain calls. The costumes were absolutely fabulous and ridiculous in a most endearing way, reminiscent of Bollywood flamboyance. The staging, lighting and set design are also fabulous. My area of expertise (if you can call it that) in the theatre is production, so from a technical standpoint Bombay Dreams is impeccable. The set boasts a revolving center stage, fountain and a Les Miserables barricade-esque slum contraption that is lower from the ceiling and sits diagonally across the stage. The lighting includes subtle moments as well as cheesy Bollywood flare and Broadway spotlighting for the emotional solos. Although it might sound a bit much, the overall effect is stunning.

But perhaps the most exciting element of the play is the music. The music is both true to Broadway and respectful of the strong ethnic element of the play. The cast, mostly American and British vocalist, obviously trained for the stage, does a surprisingly good job with the vocal acrobatics of Indian music that are threaded throughout the score, and sometimes prominent in the songs. There were also a few cast members who were clearly familiar with Indian style music and their strong vocal range and ability added an authenticity to the music. However, I can’t say as much for the rather pathetic lyrics. Often cheesy and nearly always predictable, the lyrics were only a hair shy of abhorrent.
The direction was decent but the character development severely lacking. This leads me to ask whether this is the fault of the script, the direction or the actors. The romantic couple, Akaash and Priya, have a complete lack of chemistry on stage. The only characters that were believable and fully developed were Sweetie, a eunuch and best-friend of Akaash, played by Sriram Ganesan; and Shanti, Akaash’s grandmother, played by Madhur Jaffrey. Perhaps the most disturbing thing was my lack of interest in any of the main characters. Most of the main characters evoked no emotion either way, and Narayan truly made me embarrassed for him several times (flat notes and a hideous choice to do “the worm”, very poorly, in one of the ensemble songs).

The overall feeling I was left with after an exhausting amount of curtain calls in an attempt to extricate a standing ovation from the audienceambivalence. The show was most definitely extravagant and over the top, it was trying very hard to emulate Bollywood, but it somehow fell short. There was a definite attempt by the play to poke fun at itself, and attempt that failed. The play was fun, it was aesthetically pleasing but I found it somewhat disappointing. Maybe I have been watching too many independent films, or maybe I truly am just out of the Broadway loop, but for a play that has been proclaimed a “smash hit” for two years running in London, I expected more than flashy costumes and a good score, but that could just amount to the complexities of British humor. I can’t say it was great theatre, but it was enjoyable in that mindless, fun entertainment sort of way. I enjoyed the majority of it, but definitely won’t be seeing it again. My advise: go see this play if you are in the mood to be entertained by flash song and dance, colorful lights and costumes, not if you are jaded and seeking thought provoking wit. Stars: 2.75